the above image is from Chronic Illness Cat and the below article is taken from EDS Info, a wonderfully informative blog for any chronic pain sufferer, which you should all go check out and bookmark and return to often.
UNTREATED CHRONIC PAIN IS ACUTE PAIN
CONSEQUENCES OF UNTREATED AND INADEQUATELY-TREATED PAIN
PAIN SUFFERERS ARE MEDICALLY DISCRIMINATED AGAINST
CHRONIC PAIN IS A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL DISEASE
More reality checks when it comes to chronic pain and opiates, via a super smart fellow blogger! So happy to print this and put it in my medical binder for those idiots who think I should just suffer endlessly, needlessly, and be happy for the privilege.
It’s just so wonderful when people form an opinion based on facts and not histrionics.
Hooray for using our brains!
Pain & Opiates: Perceptions vs Reality
1. false: Opiates take pain away completely.
TRUE: Opiates do not remove chronic pain, they do not numb pain like Novocain, they merely dull it enough so that it isn’t all-consuming.
2. false: Pain is the body trying to tell you to stop, so you shouldn’t take opiates to cover up the pain signals.
TRUE: Normal pain is an alarm to take action, but chronic pain happens when the alarm gets stuck in the “on” position – the switch itself is broken.
3. false: Opiates make you dull, confused, and non-functional.
TRUE: When used for pain relief, opiates allow people to be more active and functional, get out of the house and socialize, sometimes even continue working.
4. false: There are other pain medications that work just as well as opiates.
TRUE: Opiates are the most (and often the only) effective medications for pain.
5. false: Opiates have severe and permanently damaging side effects.
TRUE: Opiates have fewer and lesser side-effects than most of the other medications prescribed for pain.
6. false: You will get addicted if taking opiates.
TRUE: People taking opiates for pain are statistically unlikely to become addicted unless they already have addictive tendencies (5% chance). However, regular use of many medications causes dependence after your body has adjusted to them.
7. false: If you take opiates for too long, you’ll get hyperalgesia.
TRUE: Opiate-induced hyperalgesia is extremely rare in humans, and this scare tactic is based on just a handful of very small research studies.
8. false: If the pain is constant, you’ll get used to it and it won’t hurt as much.
TRUE: Pain that is allowed to persist uncontrolled leads to changes in the nerves that can eventually become permanent.
9. false: Opiates work the same way for everyone.
TRUE: Different people get the same amount of pain relief from widely varying dosages because our bodies are all different in the way we “digest” opiates.
10. false: It’s better not to take opiates because they damage the nervous system and cause hormonal imbalances.
TRUE: Persistent pain results in the same kind of damages to the nervous and hormonal systems.
11. false: You should not take opiates because your pain won’t improve.
TRUE: Chronic pain can only be treated, not cured. Opiates are often the best means available to treat the devastating pain symptoms until a cure is found.
12. false: If you start taking opiates, you’ll just have to take more and more forever.
TRUE: Most chronic pain patients finds a stable dose of opiates that works for them. If doses need to be increased, it is usually because the pain condition gets worse over time.
13. false: People only want opiates for the high.
TRUE: When taken as prescribed for chronic pain, opiates do not make you “high”. The same chemicals that make illegal users “high” go toward dulling the pain instead.
14. false: It’s better to tough it out.
TRUE: Denying people pain relief sentences them to a life of unnecessary suffering.
= = = = = = = = = = = =
“The patient uses opioids to relieve pain and maintain a normal relationship with the real world; the addict takes opioids to escape from reality.” – Ronald Melzack
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Many people disabled by chronic pain are unfairly accused of lying and faking, so here’s some myths from that category too:
1. false: People who complain about chronic pain are just trying to get SSDI.
TRUE: Most people disabled by pain desperately want to work. Many had to give up high-level, well-paying positions and now live in poverty on SSDI. There may some fakers, but this is not a reason to deny SSDI for truly disabling pain.
2. misleading: If injured workers are given opiates they are unlikely to return to work (statistically true)
TRUE: This is probably because their injuries are serious enough to cause chronic pain and require opiates, not because the opiates are keeping them away from work.
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1. Source for addiction statistic:
I found this article which I had written about on Facebook before I had a blog. The first time I read about this girl’s story I felt so alone, so overwhelmed and out of control and consumed by pain that I cried the entire time I was reading it. I didn’t yet realize how many of us were going through the same thing, or how many friends who truly get what chronic pain means that I would meet along the way. I just knew the desperation, anger, and denial that I was piled under. Fortunately, times have changed, or at least my perspective has. I can still really sympathize with this girl, and understand where she is coming from, and I am still incredibly grateful to her for writing her story at a time when I felt hopelessly isolated. This may have been the first time that I realized if more people were less afraid to speak out about chronic pain, we might be treated like human beings, eventually.
My Story: Looking for a New Doctor
National Pain Report
May 26th, 2014 by Kitty Taylor
I’ve had chronic pain as far back as I can remember. It got unbearable a few years ago after a serious injury. My body won’t forget the pain and it feels fresh as day one without medication.
I recently moved to Colorado from Nevada after being with the same doctor for many years. Now I’m having a hard time finding a new doctor willing to prescribe the medication I’ve been taking. I’ve found plenty of clinics that say they specialize in pain management, when in reality they are rehab clinics. Their sole purpose is to wean you off narcotics and put you on highly addicting medication, such as Suboxone or methadone. Some clinics are treating pain with Suboxone long term. That was not the intended use.
Then there are pain clinics, usually the spine centers, that only do injections and don’t prescribe drugs. I wish they would distinguish in their business category what they’re really about.
The first clinic I thought would be helpful turned out to be a Suboxone clinic. On my second appointment there they told me outright that I wouldn’t be continuing on the same medication and that I would be going on Suboxone. If I didn’t agree that, I was told they’d cut my doses so low I couldn’t handle it anymore. So I canceled my next appointment with them.
Drugs like methadone and Suboxone (which may or may not help the pain) are just as dangerous and the addictions to them are intense. The withdrawals are unreal. Coming off the medication I’m on now would be painful, but having to come off one of those could cause months, not just days, of withdrawal and pain.
Not only that, but imagine if you couldn’t get your next dose of methadone or Suboxone, you could end up in a coma! Any doctor that says there aren’t side effects and the withdrawals aren’t bad is lying.
It’s been four months since my last appointment with my helpful doctor and I’m still looking for a new one. One clinic I had a referral to, the doctor refused to accept me as a patient. It’s taking so long to find a doctor and I’ve got to find one quick! There are so few listed and so few that prescribe narcotics or are honest about what they practice. If you are rehab clinic you should not be advertising that you manage pain.
I’ve certainly been made to feel like a drug seeker and nothing more since I’ve moved. My last doctor never made me feel that way. He was caring and compassionate from day one. The only complaint I have about the visits there was that the DEA had them scared to prescribe medications that I had been on for a long time. My medicine and schedules were altered based on word from the DEA, not what my doctor felt was right for me and not what was working for me.
My daily function is greatly decreased since my medications were screwed with and it’s getting worse. First they took away Soma and it was painful trying to find another muscle relaxer. Even the one I’m on now sucks, but it’s better than nothing. Some of them I think were causing more muscle spasms and cramps. It was so bad I looked like I was having a seizure.
Then they couldn’t prescribe more than four oxycodone pills a day when I was on six. They couldn’t even prescribe Demerol anymore because the DEA and the county were having so many problems with it. The hospitals stopped keeping it and the pharmacies stopped ordering it because of theft and robberies!
And this was my response, a year ago:
“This is so much like my story. The way she talks about having to deal with “pain clinics” who only push methadone, or who only push Lyrica and Savella, or who only do injections. None of them have the ability to actually treat acute flare ups. I know from personal experience that even when a procedure at a pain clinic goes wrong and they have caused you intense and unrelenting pain, they do not offer any help, just tell you to calm down, because you’re scaring other patients, and “if it’s really that bad” to go to the emergency room. Pain clinics are a gimmick. A glimmer of hope that turns out to be bullshit when you get up close, every time.
I can’t do cortisone injections, I can’t take most antidepressants, nor steroids, nor do I care to, I am taking Lyrica and two different muscle relaxers at the same time for spasms and I also take all the usual Vitamin D, B-12, magnesium, zinc, rosehips, tart cherry extract, etc, that seem to help maybe? Who knows. The only time I have ever gotten any relief from this pain is after six hours waiting in agony at an Emergency Room, watching junkies and fakers get treated with more dignity than you, because you refused the little cup full of oxycodone and valium (I had already taken my personal comfortable limit of oxy while waiting in the ER, and I told them so, and I don’t do well with valium, it causes panic attacks and it’s written so in my charts if they had payed attention). One time I was told rudely to leave the ER, and then billed $600+ for the pleasure of being treated like human garbage by a very bitchy ER doctor after waiting many hours to be seen. Twice I received actual pain relief that lasted maybe five hours and was the only relief from the hell of fibro that I have had in two years. I haven’t been to the ER in over a year, but I think about how the ER is always full of people who feel better than me. The ER is a very, very, VERY last resort at this point, however.
I’m not even functioning anymore, I’ve been in way too much pain for way too long. I’m just trying to get to a place where I have enough moments in a day to take care of myself properly. I’m not even close to that level on my current treatments. Most days I can’t brush my hair or take a shower. Most days I spend two hours doing a task that should take fifteen minutes. Most days I am overwhelmed and unable to advocate for myself.
The point she makes that I think cannot be overstated is that chronic pain patients don’t abuse medications. Then we wouldn’t have them when we need them. The pain is real and we would never want to not have the ability to treat it.
We are just as scared of finally finding the right drug (can it please be a non-opiate, non-psychoactive drug?) that makes the pain bearable only to have it taken away again, as we are terrified of the pain we are in continuing unchecked. And we are scared of addiction, too. And scared for our organs. And scared for the changes in us caused by taking pain medication. We’ve weighed all that. The pain warrants the medication, or we wouldn’t take it.
The pain is already changing us, rewiring our brains, making us shells of the people we were before, and turning our bodies against us. If there were something better, we would certainly take that instead.
I understand her panic and her logic and I really feel for her.”
Phew, so that’s me a year ago. I don’t regret writing any of that, because at that time it was all true from where I was standing. It’s important to note that I was extremely depressed, and had been disappointed and disillusioned so many times. I had a primary care doctor who believed I was faking, no way of seeking relief except the ER, and I very much didn’t understand what was happening to me. At the time, open therapy was doing very little for me. I spent more time staring at my psychologist in total confusion than I did processing or talking things through. She would ask me questions like “what kinds of self-care routines are you doing on a regular basis?” and I would look at her like she had grown a second head, and she would push, “you must be able to think of one self-care activity, I don’t care how small it is.” I was still confused. Self-care? As in, my needs had to take precedent over others before I was at the point of throwing massive temper tantrums, crying uncontrollably in public and at work, and having ten panic attacks in one day? How was I supposed to even start? What did it all mean? Was this lady crazy? I was supposed to get better, not spend more time wallowing in “my needs”.
That’s my thinking a year ago. The level of brain fog I was enveloped in at that time is pretty evident, and there isn’t a lot of built in logic to my ranting, but I wasn’t even aware yet that my cognitive abilities had been taking a nosedive over the past two years. I knew I had Fibromyalgia, but I didn’t know much about it or much about what my life would look like in a year. To be honest, when I typed my response to that writer on National Pain Report, I didn’t even know if I’d be here in a year. Two girls with Ehler-Danlos Syndrome responded to my posted response on Facebook; one is a dear friend now but was someone I had just met at the time, and another I was too self-involved to reach out to in return. Currently, I am haunted that I didn’t reach back, more than I am bothered by anything that I did write. Reading through this outpouring of my own overly raw emotions made me wince, but seeing how I ignored another spoonie’s attempt to connect gave me actual regret. Both girls have EDS and encouraged me to push forward to a diagnosis.
I still don’t have the diagnosis, but I am treating my joints with much more care and attention and I am seeking physical strength instead of allowing fear of injury to mandate every activity. I also do finally understand what self-care is and have a long, long list of ways to recognize and put disordered thinking in perspective, but I am still learning more every single day. I would no longer characterize my life as hellish. Some days are indeed horrible, but I have good days too, and I am more prone to seize them now than a year ago.
I feel gratitude and empowerment when I take care of myself these days, not selfish guilt, but it took reframing my thoughts, repeatedly. Of course I still forget to make myself a top priority sometimes. There are always improvements to be made, but I am confident (another new development) that I will continue to make necessary changes and seek out information that helps me cope. In the mean time I am trying to find joy in small wonders. Any little victory is cause for celebration. Today, I’m happy that I have made progress since my diagnosis. Visible, written down, real progress. All the hard work has been overwhelming at times, it has even felt like I have slid backwards more than I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and keep climbing, but in one short year, the small changes I have made have taken me a long way from not knowing if I wanted to be here in a year, to planning for the next five, ten, twenty years of my life. I am even starting a business with a close friend, something I thought was ripped out of my grasp by illness which has actually become much more possible because of the life adjustments I have made to accommodate the chronic pain that dogs my every move.
It just proves that accepting and processing what illness means for me personally, minus the guilty nagging voice in the back of my head, has made all the difference. I think others around me may be frustrated by how little I can seem to accomplish in a certain amount of time, but I now realize that this isn’t their journey. It’s my journey, at my pace, and that’s healthier than continuing to constantly feel like a failure for struggling to keep up with everyone around me. I don’t have a magic finish line that I can get to and be “recovered”. The best I can do is the best I can do, end of story. I will work with what I’ve been given, and I will be grateful for what I can do on any given day. Sometimes that means just breathing in and out for hours, nothing else, and sometimes it means charging at life like I don’t know what pain and illness even are.
In her words:
Here’s the challenge spoonies:
Help me set the record straight by submitting your most scrunched-up, messed up, real honest-to-God pain face to email@example.com before February 28th, and I will publish a blog post that exhibits of collection of pain faces so real that people will laugh at us (because who are we kidding- these faces are ridiculous), but also see that our pain is often visible, just not usually to the world at large.
Please include your name, illness(es), and where you are from. [NEW: Also, if you like, include a little write up describing the pain you felt in that moment, and perhaps what coping strategies you were able to use.]
If you are feeling really brave, post your selfie on twitter @brainstorm83 or instagram @lousongmade with the tag #spoonieselfie.
Here’s a link to the actual post by BrainStorm: http://migrainebrainstorm.com/2015/01/17/the-spoonieselfie-challenge-2/
UPDATE: #SpoonieSelfie Challenge has been memorialized with two installments posted by Brain Storm so far! here they are:
To keep up with what she doing as she posts it, head to: http://migrainebrainstorm.com/tag/spoonie-selfie/
Here’s my contribution, from this last week when I fell on my face in the middle of the night! Fun times!
I want to thank Brain Storm for her energy and time and for the great idea of hosting this wonderful challenge, I couldn’t think of a better way to use these pictures. It definitely contributed to me being less embarrassed about the stupidity of painsomnia, collapsing joints, a concussion and just generally feeling like a failure for falling on my face in the middle of the night. Now it has a purpose! And I totally love her for that! Plus she posted this challenge on my birthday, so how could I not participate?!
Throughout all of this blogging experience I realize I have made a mistake. I often write as though my body is this weak thing that never gets off the couch and that I never use like I used to. While it’s true that almost every day is a series of compromises compared to my old life where I never stopped for a minute, there is still actually very little time in my life for rest. I am trying to make more. I am trying to encourage others to make more room in their lives for real, relaxed rest. But I know how hard/impossible that is with people who depend on you.
My body is not frail and weak, not by design any way. In my past life, I used my body every day for real, repetitive physical work, and then I came home and worked in the garden and on fixing up our home. I find it hard to give up those habits of the past me. The problem I see with continuing on like I am, without ever learning how to put my rest first, is that I know people with fibro who work full time and have continued to work without stopping since their diagnosis, and I see those friends take handfuls of pills now to keep on their feet, and they are miserable every second of it. None of them have improved by relentlessly pushing through the pain. They seem to regard their bodies with pure hatred, and I feel so bad for their struggles. Not to say I do not know some successful working friends with fibromyalgia, but those who are successful have learned to adapt, change, flex, and yes, compromise. They are not attempting to live the exact same life as before their illness hit.
There is acceptance before there is success, with a chronic illness. Acceptance does not mean giving up, it means finding another way forward. I am trying to find that way, but I don’t know where to look.
The other aspect I must find is balance. From past experience, the less I move, the more I hurt the next morning. However, too much movement can also send me into a horrible flare up. Other times, it’s just the tiniest sneeze or attempt to tie my shoe that send me into a downward spiral of pain and nausea and anxiety. I cannot seem to figure it all out. The longer I sleep, the more I hurt the next morning. If I don’t sleep enough I hurt more too. On and on like that, until it becomes more evident than ever before that having fibromyalgia and ME means I live a life balanced on the blade of a razor. One wrong move sends me plummeting into an abyss. The climb back out of which is terribly arduous and depressing and takes everything I have, every single time.
Until I can learn to stop falling (with the understanding that it will get better but never stop completely) the best I can do is to become better at getting back up again. The falls are inevitable, really. My ability to stand back up, to keep fighting, is all that keeps me from staying at the bottom of the abyss.
This determination to keep going, it demonstrates beyond a shadow of a doubt that my body is not weak. It is fighting. I am fighting. FMS/ME can’t take everything from me.
I will keep pushing myself. And I will keep doing more and more physical activity despite the pain, but I will not pretend that I do not have these illnesses. Not to myself and not to anyone else.
I am not weak, I am still always on my feet, never napping, never stopping for too long. There are those days when I do feel weak, but it is temporary. And I am thankful for my still-strong, still active body. Though I am mostly housebound and cannot figure out driving or working with all my meds and issues, I do not sit in one place with my heating pad more than once a week, except at the very end of the night, in bed. I do not lounge on the couch, I do not lay down in bed. If I need to lay down, it’s usually the floor that I end up on, because I’ve pushed myself that far and suddenly I am done moving, and even crawling is a challenge then. Some days pass me by and I feel like I have barely even participated in them at all, and sometimes I have nothing to show for myself, no matter how many time I paced back and forth, doubled over in pain every few minutes, trying to remember to do a task that has slipped my mind, yet again. But wallowing in bed is not in the script. If it gets that severe, I will know, my body will force me into bed, but it is not there yet and I will fight with everything I have to stay on my feet even if I get nothing done, even if the pain has me by the throat and chest, and I stare off into space and create jumbled garbage when I sit down to write and paint, even if I doze off in my chair for a few minutes at noon, and snap out of it by using the pain of doing the dishes to wake me up. It’s war. Whatever means necessary, you know?
This is life, fighting a long battle with a group of cruel illnesses who are using my body as their host. Tonight, after I have spent all day floating in a strange haze, I cannot be angry at myself for doing my best today despite the severe brain fog that plagued my every heavy step. The laundry is somehow done, and I managed to take a shower for the first time in four days, which feels like absolute heaven. I am snuggled up in a long sleeve waffle knit, two layered zip up hoodies, leggings, loose pajama bottoms and two pairs of soft cushy socks. Yes, it’s coooooold here!
Being cozy despite not being able to get comfortable, I have to reflect that many are not warm inside this winter, and I am so lucky to be here in this house wearing all these soft clothes, clean and dry. Suddenly my world is brighter and kinder, and I am transported out of the pain of my body and into my surroundings, able to participate again for a brief time, and thankful for every second of it!
If it is a particularly painful or fatigued day. I will allow my body to dictate some of the events of the day, but not all of them. It is enough that I keep trying to find my way, right now. As long as I do not give up, then this is learning, and it is messy and unpleasant and even at times thrilling. There are things my body can still do that would not have seemed possible a year ago. But there is also the agony of steadily increasing pain over time, the horrible fear that my strength and toughness will be outstripped by my worsening illnesses someday. I cannot get rid of the fear completely, but I can choose to not let it take me hostage. Who cares what tomorrow brings, because there is no controlling that. However, I do have control over my reactions, and that is enough to get from here to a better place, in time.
I can choose to live, right here and right now, no matter what is happening with my body. There is so much power in that.
I didn’t find out until the Fibromyalgia Palm Challenge until a few days ago, but I’ve been wanting to participate ever since. Finally, I got my chance!
Here is my response to the Fibromyalgia Palm Challenge:
Facebook Page for Fibromyalgia Awareness (A place to display your palm pics if you don’t want to put them on your own timeline, or do both for maximum impact!) Use #FibromyalgiaPalmChallenge in the message somewhere in order to make your pic easy to find.
Please help us spread awareness of this life-changing condition by snapping a picture of your palm with one thing you learned about fibro and the hashtag #FibromyalgiaPalmChallenge on Facebook or here on WordPress linking back to FibromyalgiaAwareness.com. You do not have to have fibro in order to participate!
For a short and sweet, but extremely educational post about Fibromyalgia, I recommend this one: Why Fibromyalgia Makes You Hurt From Head To Toe
Any and all sharing of the challenge or participation is appreciated!
I would literally rather have a finger chopped off (I have actually lost the top part of a finger right above the last knuckle so I do know what that feels like, I’m not just saying this in ignorance), maybe even two fingers, than deal with this cruel pain.
It starts in the back of my head and the base of my spine, and then the two painful areas spread out, reaching towards each other up and down my back, like it’s encasing me in a spiky shell made out of pure, unadulterated pain, then up, up, over my ear and it curls so evilly around my eyes. It is so immense. So sickening. So beautifully and radiant and piercing that I am unable to do anything but stay still and be consumed. I feel like a sponge being wrung out over and over again. There is no way to adequately explain the waves of pain cresting and rolling over my body.
I am misery. I am made out of twisting, tearing, crushing pain. Lightening is running through my bones, doing whatever it wants unchecked.
But this is right now. Tomorrow might be better, tomorrow is hopeful and waiting for me, if I wait for it.
I’ve written before about how tough it is, how draining, to wait without any end in sight. I often have to sit with a severity and kind of pain that consumes me, there is no other option. I do not have access to the correct or even halfway correct painkillers and muscle relaxers, Lyrica is a joke. I wish I hadn’t started taking it because it will not let me stop. I ran out of Aleve…. it was easier on my stomach than the mostly useless Diclofenac I have been prescribed. I can’t seem to take hydoxyzine without having worsening panic attacks or some awful, foggy, un-refreshing naps all day long, and propanolol was causing me disrupted sleep, worsening and more frequent panic, and severe brain fog, so I was told to discontinue using it. I could not write or organize my thoughts on either one, and my speech was declining as quickly as my short term memory. I do not think that Lyrica is helpful with my speech either, what with it’s toxicity to new brain synapses (post to come about that research later, when I can think). When you’re in a ton of pain and your supposedly super smart neurologist(s) tell you to start taking Gabapentin, then Gralise (the once a day version of Gabapentin) and then finally they land on Lyrica, you just go with it, right?
NO. No no no.
If only I had known that my doctors had no idea what was wrong with me at that time, that they were guessing in the dark, and that they were only getting slightly closer by prescribing Lyrica. They were also condemning me to a long period of taking pills that are highly dangerous to a fetus. I wish someone had explained that, because 22 year old me still knew she wanted kids pretty soon, illness or no illness.
For now, all I can do is tough it out, sit here with a level of pain that is worse than having a missing finger, even with all the non-narcotic pills and supplements I do have at my disposal.
How can that possibly be?
Because when a normal person chops off their finger in a freak accident, they have inherent opioids and opiate receptors inside the body, and a healthy body will send out lots of pain-dampening chemicals to keep the pain contained. I didn’t cry when the top of my finger got bitten through, but I did lose a lot of blood and go into shock eventually. Sometimes, even though I’m not losing blood or crying, I go into shock from the amount of pain that my chronic condition causes. For people in chronic pain, all the possible opioids are being flooded into the system all the time, almost completely in vain. Unfortunately, on top of this normal cycle of central sensitization that happens in many kinds of chronic pain, in fibromyalgia patients there are not enough opiate receptors to get any real relief, even if that constant flood of internal opiates was enough to help us with the level of whole-body pain we experience.
In the face of a spine full of invisible daggers, my body’s helpful ability to make opiates is next-to-useless. Unfortunately, chronic pain sufferers never get the natural rush of relief that comes along with acute pain.
It also means pain pills do not work as effectively for people with fibromyalgia. Some of the folks who need them most can’t even make efficient use of painkillers inside the body. Completely unfair, right? I think so too!
For now, I am waiting. I am not calling my doctor’s office frantically, although I may at some point today, and I am not sobbing hysterically even though I would like to completely melt down. I know it can actually be worse than this, as much as that seems impossible right now, because I have been in even more pain than this and sat with it.
It took years to get from “I will never accept that someone can just feel like this most of the time,” to “Oh well, what am I still able to do despite the pain, in between the waves?” It’s not an easy journey, but I can say that I am happy with the progress I have made, slow as it is at times. Like all progress, I go back and forth, not every day is a good day no matter how much positivity I pump into my life.
To be perfectly honest, I do want relief today, I can’t take this, and narcotics would absolutely help me do the many many things I need to get done but which will have to wait until tomorrow, at the very least, because there is no relief for me any time in the near future. Fortunately, I am still able to write, albeit slowly, and for that I am thankful. I know that it is a slippery slope with the painkillers that do help me, and I am 25, and I can sit with this pain again and again, and I can wait. It doesn’t not mean it is fair, or that I am happy with the situation, just that I know my will is stronger than this horrible pain. I will still be here when it recedes a bit, and that is all that matters right now. Half of me is trying to be calm and logical, but the other half wants to scream and cry and use up precious energy on fear.
I might feel like I’m being consumed by my pain at the moment, but in truth, I am pushing through the fire, and I will emerge mostly fine on the other side when this pain is done with me.
Here’s hoping that happens really soon.