I wish I could sleep.
This pain leaves me in limbo,
No rest makes me slow.
Yep, that’s what you get at 4am. I have been in so much pain. I know it’s temporary, but it would be more temporary if I could get to sleep at any point during one of these flare ups. Going on day three for the third time this month in which I have not been able to sleep more than an hour or two… that’s a third of my nights this month! Plus, I cannot nap. Totally incapable of it unless I’m beyond sick. There are a million things that are on my schedule tomorrow. I want, need, demand some sleep before I have to face another day in this much relentless pain.
I hope against hope that everyone else is enjoying some actual sleep with much less pain than this. I am sending you extra spoons, just in case. I won’t be able to function anyhow, so I’m happy to give them away to a good home!
Hilariously, somehow I woke up at 4am last week, sitting in my PJ’s on the side of the bathtub with a towel folded under me, the biggest heirloom tomato of the season from my garden in one hand, and my hairbrush in the other. The tomato remained unharmed, don’t worry!
I have other “sometimes” sleep problems, they crop up and go away and return mysteriously again, with no known triggers. I have sleep paralysis that feels like I am choking, and I am usually trying to scream the entire time. They usually strike during a pain flare up, which makes them extra enjoyable since being stuck in one position is excruciating!
I mumble, giggle, and “speak in tongues” according to my boyfriend. But not all the time. Sometimes I get kinda violent in my sleep and have landed a punch on my poor partner. He’s a tough guy, but apparently I hit a lot harder in my sleep than I do in real life. Hah, he’s such a saint!
Since I started taking all my meds, the sleep problems have persisted on and off for three years. Possibly it’s because of the accident I was in. Who knows. Remembering a dream is a precious precious thing with all the drugs I have to take every night in order to be able to get out of bed the next morning. I get so excited, but even when I do remember one, I can’t remember it long enough to write it down because all I can think of is what a let-down it is to still be in as much pain as I was the night before, and almost as fatigued too. Hopefully as I start to detox off the meds, I will start to dream again. And sleepwalk less!