Right now, I will do something very small and have to sit down immediately after or during a slightly more rigorous task, and it’s not the pain that’s knocking me down so hard, although there is a lot of that, I’m just pretty damn exhausted. Like, my bones are way too tired to walk to the mailbox or make it down the stairs to the garden, but I’m still able to fight through and manage those things sometimes. It’s very confusing. Overall though, the fatigue has ramped up to a point where I’m scared a little.
This is not meant to be a bid for sympathy or anything, I just have to have a place to put all this down and get it out of me. My body won’t allow me to do much of anything else and even writing has me fading in and out of consciousness because it leaves me so fatigued. To be completely honest, I’ve been feeling a lot worse lately. I pushed myself trying to create a small business that was never going to happen, and in many other areas of my life, and none of my accomplishments have added up to anything lately, not even one completely clean room. I have learned a lot and there were tiny moments of excitement and victory, but that isn’t anything I can put on my resume, really.
It’s depressing to feel like your health is going in the opposite direction that you’re aiming for. A lot of us are familiar with that feeling though, unfortunately. It’s just another part of chronic illness unless you can find a treatment that works. For a while things will hold steady symptom wise, and then a cluster of new ones will pop up one after another, which is what has been happening recently. Not every single new symptom stays around long-term, some of them will just last the length of this particular flare up, and some of them will attach themselves to my illness and they will be added on top of my daily already unmanageable pain, fatigue, and bodily systems that are completely out of whack. But these new symptoms will not be so courteous as to show up clearly on a test. Just abnormalities here and there, nothing to make an easy diagnosis off of. It makes my head spin trying to get a clear grasp on even the list of weird things that have happened with my body, and a lot of it isn’t stuff I feel comfortable sharing.
This flare up has brought with it a bout of sleep paralysis episodes, limb tremors and increasing muscle weakness, much worse than usual chest pain, rib dislocations, absolutely unpredictable new headaches and some severe migraines that actually got the better of me and landed me lying down until they subsided, hip subluxations on both sides, knee instability and weakness, poor typing and speech, including mixing up words, writing something completely different from what I was intending or thinking I was writing, forgetting phrases and words, increased inability to finish a sentence because I can’t remember why I started it, using big words but forgetting all the small ones, dizziness, trigeminal neuralgia attacks that feel like being struck with lightning over and over again in the same spots on my face, occipital neuralgia that is like being chiseled into on the back of my head, or like someone is grinding a screwdriver as hard and slow as possible into my occipital nerve, tmj issues making it a challenge to eat/smile/talk too much, jaw dislocations hundreds of times a day, lack of coordination and hand dexterity as well as random violent spasming when I try too hard to control my muscles for extended tasks like painting and typing, really painful joints all over, fatigue so heavy I feel like my veins are full of lead and my muscles are made of tissue paper and my bones are filled with cement, GI issues which all of a sudden include throwing up just about every other day, and delayed stomach emptying with all the associated nausea and pain and hating food/food hating me, possibly gastroparesis but I’m hoping not, problems associated with migraineurs even when the really severe head pain is not present (olfactory hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, light/sound/smell sensitivity, big blurry spots or color spots in my vision, things that look like shiny, constantly moving sprinkles all over my field of view, thinking things are moving when they aren’t, as well as not being able to track movement very well), falling asleep suddenly after exertion with no warning, feeling like I’m walking on razorblades and broken glass, sudden moodswings mixed with lots of feeling hopeless or just numb and dissociated from my disobedient body, muscle cramping, brainfog that is stronger by far than my Ritalin prescription, not understanding what people are saying unless they repeat themselves a few times, some obsessive behaviors I cannot stop doing and ptsd flashbacks, skin that hurts like thousands and thousands of nettle stings, and just so much more, but it would take so long to list, and this is why seeing a doctor once every 3-6 months is totally and completely unhelpful.
And I’ve been like this for two and a half weeks now, and it keeps dropping new surprises on me so I’ve got no idea when it will let me go…
I lost 15 pounds, and that was startling and positive. Not sure why I was so startled, I think it’s hard for me to notice the healthy changes I make and pat myself on the back unless some kind of tangible progress comes out of it, but lately I actually have noticed myself doing better at picking the salad from the garden over chips or pasta on the side, I’ve been back into yoga in bed, and in my better moments I try to sneak tiny bits of yoga into my day, with my arms close to my body and not pushing my flexibility to it’s max because I’m not in that kind of shape and my body can and will bend too far in every direction if I don’t watch myself in a mirror while I do it.
I’m so exhausted that it makes me laugh that I’m adding yoga back into my days but I can’t shower more than once every five days. Priorities slightly skewed? I don’t know, a shower is one very big expenditure of spoons that you’re committed to once you start, and yoga I can stop any time it hurts me, I can modify it to hurt less or not at all and to be done lying down even, and I dole out spoons one at a time to each little micro-session which is much less punishing on my body than taking a shower. God I miss being able to do that every day. The stupid shit we take for granted when we are healthy, I was so greedy taking two or three a day during sports and summer or just to get warm in the winter, and I never imagined I would ever give up my obsession with being sparkly clean every single day. It hurts to think about stuff like that though, and in general I just try to accept that things are the way they are and not ask “why me?” too much.
Not being able to shower is a big gauge for how much of a toll this has taken on me. The things I would have never given up if I had a choice, the gardening every day and walking for hours, the freedom of driving and earning a paycheck even if I didn’t enjoy the job or the commute sometimes, my clean house, the freedom to work out or go out with friends whenever the mood hit me, frequently visiting vintage shopping and buying fancy coffees just to treat myself, painting whenever I had a creative idea come into my head, preserving and cooking food especially when it came from my garden, baking bread almost every day, fashion, being able to complete deadlines and not be a total flake, being able to plan my next day and stick to it,
I feel bad enough on a daily basis that younger me, who had a damn high pain tolerance, would have been asking to go to a doctor almost every morning. But I don’t go even when it gets to be unbearable, because it’s so discouraging to be told more than once every 3-6 months that there is nothing new to try, nothing else to do that is in my price range, nothing, nothing, nothing, and to be treated like a drug seeker, a whiner, a lazy kid who can’t be bothered to get a job, when I just want to get better. I just want some hope, some kind of a future to plan on and look forward to. I don’t want to have to take these drugs. I don’t want to have to take two sparse and precious oxycodone just to get through taking a shower. This is not something I constructed to get out of working. I miss working. I’m young, my ability to work was my future and now I’m very lost.
I’m reaching for that point towards acceptance of my illnesses and new life where I can start to explore my talents and try to find more solutions, more small improvements, more joy in my life. I feel like it’s both close enough to grab and pull closer and simultaneously so far away that I fear I just can’t get there. I know I can only take it one day at a time and keep looking for the small victories, the shiny bits and the lessons learned no matter how painful, so I can quietly celebrate my life for those wonderful things amidst the chronic fatigue and pain.
Printable Awareness Ribbon Chart
The website goes into much more detail, as well as noting extra conditions that are covered under each color/color combo. I’m thinking about doing all of the colors with each condition written on the ribbon in photoshop so that we can all save and post according ribbons if we want, without any confusion.
This search started, by the way, because a friend of mine from high school had posted a yellow ribbon as her facebook profile picture, and I wanted to know what cause she was representing, and the answer ranged from suicide awareness to bladder cancer to liver disease to supporting the troops. It wasn’t written on the ribbon, plus no clues were given via description, and that frustrates me. What’s the point if no one else knows what cause you are trying raise awareness for?
Anyhow, I will get around to that, but if illness interupts it could take some time. Hopefully I can make a resource page on this site where people can save a picture of the ribbon matching the condition(s) they have, to add to the bottom or sidebar of their page. And yes, when I do this, the first will be one for Chronic Pain all by itself, since many of us do not know why we are dealing with what we are dealing with, and many of will never know.
I might know a lot of you who fit into the “rare diseases” white ribbon, in which case, I want to make you a ribbon with your specific disease or condition or struggle, and you pick the color. Just drop me a comment, any time, either on this post or on the page I create later on. Post to come soon, hopefully with the first ten or so ribbons that are requested. I might do a poll on ribbon styling too…. it would be my first opportunity to use that option on WordPress!
Happy creative Saturday, friends ❤
I’m glad we all made it. This week felt like it just would not end, and I got next to nothing done. Hopefully this weekend I can shift gears, but I seem to be setting myself back with these big pushes when I get one slightly better day. Just so bored with this!!! I hate tv, so I’ve been trying to entertain myself other ways, and it’s hard! It’s only going to get harder when I ask my doctor for a heart rate monitor to keep track of my energy levels as best I can for a few months. Any time the damn thing beeps, I have to sit down. Doesn’t matter if I’m climbing the stairs, I gotta stop, sit down, record what time it is and what made it go off, and let my heart rate go back to a lower range. It sounds pretty frustrating, but who knows, it could provide me with some much-needed evidence-based data to share with my doctors, or it could provide me with just enough data to teach myself to live within my “energy envelope”. If you want to read more about heart rate monitoring and the logic behind it, check out these articles:
Just another short and sweet, easy to print explanation of what even minor long-term untreated chronic pain can do to a person. A person without any other troubles or illnesses. Most of the issues discussed in this article are less life-ending types of chronic pain, but that just serves to further reinforce the point that any kind of pain if left untreated is unhealthy; it can trigger long-term issues with depression and anxiety, even rewire the brain, and can make it difficult to process even mildly disruptive daily events, such as bad traffic.
That is not nothing.
So many of us are in kinds of pain that are so far beyond this little pamphlet from a pain clinic, but the people around us often are not as aware of the little things that go awry when pain stays for too long and is not recognized and treated. I thought this was kind of a nice review for people who are new to thinking about or dealing with illnesses that involve never-ending agony.
Sorry, ignore me, I’m still not able to get this flare up under control, and it’s starting to scare me when I read about others who had their “Big One” in the onset years of their illness that lasted 6-12 months.
Do. Not. Want.
Even a good day is a fight for every positive thought; every scrap of willpower woven together so tightly just to do normal people tasks, inside my own home. On a good day.
Here’s the article:
Even minor pain, such as a stubbed toe or a paper cut, is unpleasant but that pain fades relatively quickly. Imagine being in pain that never fades, or that fades only to come back a few hours later. What would that do to a person? This is what people with chronic pain have to deal with every day.
Chronic pain, a diagnosis including arthritis, back pain, and recurring migraines, can have a profound effect on a person’s day to day life when it goes untreated. People dealing with ongoing or long-term pain can become irritable, short-tempered, and impatient, and with good reason. Constant pain raises the focus threshold for basic functioning, which leaves the pained person with a greatly reduced ability to find solutions or workarounds to even relatively mundane problems. Something like a traffic jam, which most people would be mildly annoyed by but ultimately take in stride, could seriously throw off the rhythm of someone who is putting forth so much effort just to get through the day.
In her words:
Here’s the challenge spoonies:
Help me set the record straight by submitting your most scrunched-up, messed up, real honest-to-God pain face to email@example.com before February 28th, and I will publish a blog post that exhibits of collection of pain faces so real that people will laugh at us (because who are we kidding- these faces are ridiculous), but also see that our pain is often visible, just not usually to the world at large.
Please include your name, illness(es), and where you are from. [NEW: Also, if you like, include a little write up describing the pain you felt in that moment, and perhaps what coping strategies you were able to use.]
If you are feeling really brave, post your selfie on twitter @brainstorm83 or instagram @lousongmade with the tag #spoonieselfie.
Here’s a link to the actual post by BrainStorm: http://migrainebrainstorm.com/2015/01/17/the-spoonieselfie-challenge-2/
UPDATE: #SpoonieSelfie Challenge has been memorialized with two installments posted by Brain Storm so far! here they are:
To keep up with what she doing as she posts it, head to: http://migrainebrainstorm.com/tag/spoonie-selfie/
Here’s my contribution, from this last week when I fell on my face in the middle of the night! Fun times!
I want to thank Brain Storm for her energy and time and for the great idea of hosting this wonderful challenge, I couldn’t think of a better way to use these pictures. It definitely contributed to me being less embarrassed about the stupidity of painsomnia, collapsing joints, a concussion and just generally feeling like a failure for falling on my face in the middle of the night. Now it has a purpose! And I totally love her for that! Plus she posted this challenge on my birthday, so how could I not participate?!