Right now, I will do something very small and have to sit down immediately after or during a slightly more rigorous task, and it’s not the pain that’s knocking me down so hard, although there is a lot of that, I’m just pretty damn exhausted. Like, my bones are way too tired to walk to the mailbox or make it down the stairs to the garden, but I’m still able to fight through and manage those things sometimes. It’s very confusing. Overall though, the fatigue has ramped up to a point where I’m scared a little.
This is not meant to be a bid for sympathy or anything, I just have to have a place to put all this down and get it out of me. My body won’t allow me to do much of anything else and even writing has me fading in and out of consciousness because it leaves me so fatigued. To be completely honest, I’ve been feeling a lot worse lately. I pushed myself trying to create a small business that was never going to happen, and in many other areas of my life, and none of my accomplishments have added up to anything lately, not even one completely clean room. I have learned a lot and there were tiny moments of excitement and victory, but that isn’t anything I can put on my resume, really.
It’s depressing to feel like your health is going in the opposite direction that you’re aiming for. A lot of us are familiar with that feeling though, unfortunately. It’s just another part of chronic illness unless you can find a treatment that works. For a while things will hold steady symptom wise, and then a cluster of new ones will pop up one after another, which is what has been happening recently. Not every single new symptom stays around long-term, some of them will just last the length of this particular flare up, and some of them will attach themselves to my illness and they will be added on top of my daily already unmanageable pain, fatigue, and bodily systems that are completely out of whack. But these new symptoms will not be so courteous as to show up clearly on a test. Just abnormalities here and there, nothing to make an easy diagnosis off of. It makes my head spin trying to get a clear grasp on even the list of weird things that have happened with my body, and a lot of it isn’t stuff I feel comfortable sharing.
This flare up has brought with it a bout of sleep paralysis episodes, limb tremors and increasing muscle weakness, much worse than usual chest pain, rib dislocations, absolutely unpredictable new headaches and some severe migraines that actually got the better of me and landed me lying down until they subsided, hip subluxations on both sides, knee instability and weakness, poor typing and speech, including mixing up words, writing something completely different from what I was intending or thinking I was writing, forgetting phrases and words, increased inability to finish a sentence because I can’t remember why I started it, using big words but forgetting all the small ones, dizziness, trigeminal neuralgia attacks that feel like being struck with lightning over and over again in the same spots on my face, occipital neuralgia that is like being chiseled into on the back of my head, or like someone is grinding a screwdriver as hard and slow as possible into my occipital nerve, tmj issues making it a challenge to eat/smile/talk too much, jaw dislocations hundreds of times a day, lack of coordination and hand dexterity as well as random violent spasming when I try too hard to control my muscles for extended tasks like painting and typing, really painful joints all over, fatigue so heavy I feel like my veins are full of lead and my muscles are made of tissue paper and my bones are filled with cement, GI issues which all of a sudden include throwing up just about every other day, and delayed stomach emptying with all the associated nausea and pain and hating food/food hating me, possibly gastroparesis but I’m hoping not, problems associated with migraineurs even when the really severe head pain is not present (olfactory hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, light/sound/smell sensitivity, big blurry spots or color spots in my vision, things that look like shiny, constantly moving sprinkles all over my field of view, thinking things are moving when they aren’t, as well as not being able to track movement very well), falling asleep suddenly after exertion with no warning, feeling like I’m walking on razorblades and broken glass, sudden moodswings mixed with lots of feeling hopeless or just numb and dissociated from my disobedient body, muscle cramping, brainfog that is stronger by far than my Ritalin prescription, not understanding what people are saying unless they repeat themselves a few times, some obsessive behaviors I cannot stop doing and ptsd flashbacks, skin that hurts like thousands and thousands of nettle stings, and just so much more, but it would take so long to list, and this is why seeing a doctor once every 3-6 months is totally and completely unhelpful.
And I’ve been like this for two and a half weeks now, and it keeps dropping new surprises on me so I’ve got no idea when it will let me go…
I lost 15 pounds, and that was startling and positive. Not sure why I was so startled, I think it’s hard for me to notice the healthy changes I make and pat myself on the back unless some kind of tangible progress comes out of it, but lately I actually have noticed myself doing better at picking the salad from the garden over chips or pasta on the side, I’ve been back into yoga in bed, and in my better moments I try to sneak tiny bits of yoga into my day, with my arms close to my body and not pushing my flexibility to it’s max because I’m not in that kind of shape and my body can and will bend too far in every direction if I don’t watch myself in a mirror while I do it.
I’m so exhausted that it makes me laugh that I’m adding yoga back into my days but I can’t shower more than once every five days. Priorities slightly skewed? I don’t know, a shower is one very big expenditure of spoons that you’re committed to once you start, and yoga I can stop any time it hurts me, I can modify it to hurt less or not at all and to be done lying down even, and I dole out spoons one at a time to each little micro-session which is much less punishing on my body than taking a shower. God I miss being able to do that every day. The stupid shit we take for granted when we are healthy, I was so greedy taking two or three a day during sports and summer or just to get warm in the winter, and I never imagined I would ever give up my obsession with being sparkly clean every single day. It hurts to think about stuff like that though, and in general I just try to accept that things are the way they are and not ask “why me?” too much.
Not being able to shower is a big gauge for how much of a toll this has taken on me. The things I would have never given up if I had a choice, the gardening every day and walking for hours, the freedom of driving and earning a paycheck even if I didn’t enjoy the job or the commute sometimes, my clean house, the freedom to work out or go out with friends whenever the mood hit me, frequently visiting vintage shopping and buying fancy coffees just to treat myself, painting whenever I had a creative idea come into my head, preserving and cooking food especially when it came from my garden, baking bread almost every day, fashion, being able to complete deadlines and not be a total flake, being able to plan my next day and stick to it,
I feel bad enough on a daily basis that younger me, who had a damn high pain tolerance, would have been asking to go to a doctor almost every morning. But I don’t go even when it gets to be unbearable, because it’s so discouraging to be told more than once every 3-6 months that there is nothing new to try, nothing else to do that is in my price range, nothing, nothing, nothing, and to be treated like a drug seeker, a whiner, a lazy kid who can’t be bothered to get a job, when I just want to get better. I just want some hope, some kind of a future to plan on and look forward to. I don’t want to have to take these drugs. I don’t want to have to take two sparse and precious oxycodone just to get through taking a shower. This is not something I constructed to get out of working. I miss working. I’m young, my ability to work was my future and now I’m very lost.
I’m reaching for that point towards acceptance of my illnesses and new life where I can start to explore my talents and try to find more solutions, more small improvements, more joy in my life. I feel like it’s both close enough to grab and pull closer and simultaneously so far away that I fear I just can’t get there. I know I can only take it one day at a time and keep looking for the small victories, the shiny bits and the lessons learned no matter how painful, so I can quietly celebrate my life for those wonderful things amidst the chronic fatigue and pain.
the above image is from Chronic Illness Cat and the below article is taken from EDS Info, a wonderfully informative blog for any chronic pain sufferer, which you should all go check out and bookmark and return to often.
UNTREATED CHRONIC PAIN IS ACUTE PAIN
CONSEQUENCES OF UNTREATED AND INADEQUATELY-TREATED PAIN
PAIN SUFFERERS ARE MEDICALLY DISCRIMINATED AGAINST
CHRONIC PAIN IS A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL DISEASE
Maybe someone else could use it too?
Chronic illness warriors are great at pushing through, but as we all know, that is not always the best or healthiest option, although sometimes it seems like the only option. Pushing through can lead to a flare up that sets us back for days, weeks, or even months. Rest is a real job with chronic illness. No matter how we may be feeling, even if it’s better than usual, every single day consists of maintenance and making difficult choices that can help or harm us in the quest for balance. Most of the choices you have to make are things the people around you cannot understand. That makes it even more difficult to prioritize our own well-being in stressful situations.
To all those who wrestle with the guilt surrounding being chronically ill or in constant pain, I am right there with you.
Love you guys!
Yesterday I forced myself to water my houseplants, they needed it badly after a few sunnier days with the windows open, and it’s always pretty dry in my house. I filled the watering can up just fine, carried it twenty steps across the living room from the sink, hurting but still relatively normal, and then suddenly as I barely got past watering the first few plants my muscles all started to shake, horribly. I was shaking so violently that my boyfriend could see it from across the room and insisted that I take a break. I did, but my strength didn’t come back, and it still hasn’t. As I finished up, one half-full watering can at a time spread throughout the rest of the evening, the severe spasms kept happening, and not just in one leg like happens when I’ve dislocated something, this was in every part of my body, from my fingers to my thighs to my feet, everything just quit on me.
I’m a little scared. This is maybe the fifth time this level of weakness has happened in the last three years, but some weakness and shakiness are near daily companions now. However, helplessly watching my own legs twitching and flopping around like an electrified frog while I cling to the table with quaking arms, that scenario still leaves me a little unsettled. I’m really not sure whether to be terrified, to chalk it up to a newer aspect of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, or to roll my eyes and try not to think about it at all.
The mysteries that come along with chronic illnesses are not part of their charm. This newest episode is just one of dozens of odd symptoms that I can’t keep straight anymore.
Tonight I am getting some good animal therapy time in, with our roommate’s dogs while he and his family are visiting a friend overnight. The better behaved of the two girls, Jasmine, is an actual therapy dog, certified and everything, so she’s always great at comforting me when things are shitty, scary, or uncertain. I’m glad for the comfort and distraction two dogs on our couch provides.
Along with the shakiness from yesterday has come insomnia, severe stiffness, SI joint pain that ruins me, and one partial dislocation after another, accompanied by the normal loud ka-thunk-ing and popping my joints do when they are the main culprit of my pain.There have been some pretty severe migraines, chest pains, and nausea as well. Lucky me!
It’s honestly not all bad news lately, I’ve been keeping it together pretty well and I have been proud of myself consistently for the attitude I have kept up.
Spring has sprung and I can’t turn back the clock, only try to keep up. The veggie garden is becoming a demanding part of my daily life. My boyfriend bought cedar planks last week and built me two new raised beds wrapped with landscaping fabric so water can escape, but not dirt. We set them on the pavement, having officially run out of back yard to convert to food growing spaces. In defiance of my illness I have started a planting and preserving schedule that will keep me busy all summer and part of fall. On the flip side it will also provide lots of nutritious food for both families living in my house as well as my business partner and her new son.
It has actually, despite setbacks healthwise, been a few weeks of getting more than usual done, out of sheer willpower. Sometimes willpower isn’t going to fix anything, though. Yesterday was one of those times. Hopefully it doesn’t happen again. Hopefully nothing else weird happens, period. (Cue: laughter)
In the meantime, wishing everyone a low pain week. ❤
More reality checks when it comes to chronic pain and opiates, via a super smart fellow blogger! So happy to print this and put it in my medical binder for those idiots who think I should just suffer endlessly, needlessly, and be happy for the privilege.
It’s just so wonderful when people form an opinion based on facts and not histrionics.
Hooray for using our brains!
Pain & Opiates: Perceptions vs Reality
1. false: Opiates take pain away completely.
TRUE: Opiates do not remove chronic pain, they do not numb pain like Novocain, they merely dull it enough so that it isn’t all-consuming.
2. false: Pain is the body trying to tell you to stop, so you shouldn’t take opiates to cover up the pain signals.
TRUE: Normal pain is an alarm to take action, but chronic pain happens when the alarm gets stuck in the “on” position – the switch itself is broken.
3. false: Opiates make you dull, confused, and non-functional.
TRUE: When used for pain relief, opiates allow people to be more active and functional, get out of the house and socialize, sometimes even continue working.
4. false: There are other pain medications that work just as well as opiates.
TRUE: Opiates are the most (and often the only) effective medications for pain.
5. false: Opiates have severe and permanently damaging side effects.
TRUE: Opiates have fewer and lesser side-effects than most of the other medications prescribed for pain.
6. false: You will get addicted if taking opiates.
TRUE: People taking opiates for pain are statistically unlikely to become addicted unless they already have addictive tendencies (5% chance). However, regular use of many medications causes dependence after your body has adjusted to them.
7. false: If you take opiates for too long, you’ll get hyperalgesia.
TRUE: Opiate-induced hyperalgesia is extremely rare in humans, and this scare tactic is based on just a handful of very small research studies.
8. false: If the pain is constant, you’ll get used to it and it won’t hurt as much.
TRUE: Pain that is allowed to persist uncontrolled leads to changes in the nerves that can eventually become permanent.
9. false: Opiates work the same way for everyone.
TRUE: Different people get the same amount of pain relief from widely varying dosages because our bodies are all different in the way we “digest” opiates.
10. false: It’s better not to take opiates because they damage the nervous system and cause hormonal imbalances.
TRUE: Persistent pain results in the same kind of damages to the nervous and hormonal systems.
11. false: You should not take opiates because your pain won’t improve.
TRUE: Chronic pain can only be treated, not cured. Opiates are often the best means available to treat the devastating pain symptoms until a cure is found.
12. false: If you start taking opiates, you’ll just have to take more and more forever.
TRUE: Most chronic pain patients finds a stable dose of opiates that works for them. If doses need to be increased, it is usually because the pain condition gets worse over time.
13. false: People only want opiates for the high.
TRUE: When taken as prescribed for chronic pain, opiates do not make you “high”. The same chemicals that make illegal users “high” go toward dulling the pain instead.
14. false: It’s better to tough it out.
TRUE: Denying people pain relief sentences them to a life of unnecessary suffering.
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“The patient uses opioids to relieve pain and maintain a normal relationship with the real world; the addict takes opioids to escape from reality.” – Ronald Melzack
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Many people disabled by chronic pain are unfairly accused of lying and faking, so here’s some myths from that category too:
1. false: People who complain about chronic pain are just trying to get SSDI.
TRUE: Most people disabled by pain desperately want to work. Many had to give up high-level, well-paying positions and now live in poverty on SSDI. There may some fakers, but this is not a reason to deny SSDI for truly disabling pain.
2. misleading: If injured workers are given opiates they are unlikely to return to work (statistically true)
TRUE: This is probably because their injuries are serious enough to cause chronic pain and require opiates, not because the opiates are keeping them away from work.
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1. Source for addiction statistic:
I would like to take a moment to recognize that February 28th is Rare Disease Day.
The name implies that not that many people are affected, but that’s a totally false assumption. There are way more of us than you would ever guess! Many of these diseases are so rare that physicians do not know how to test for them, would not recognize the symptoms, or take adequate steps to obtain diagnosis. There is only room for a certain amount of information in each person’s head, and I’m not implying doctors aren’t doing their job, just that there are probably many more who live with rare diseases than are currently counted on the tally, which is already estimated at well over 300 million worldwide. I live with rare disease, I know many who do as well, and let me tell you, a rare disease is a special kind of
hell burden. Doctors think you’re crazy for even bringing up genetic testing, they think you’re a hypochondriac if you tell them what your symptoms and odd blood tests match from all your painstaking research, which if you have a rare disease, you absolutely have to do, and they scoff at the mention of names they’ve only briefly skimmed in texts and never seen in real life.
My rare diseases are ones that are actually fairly well-known, though doctors usually don’t know much beyond a one sentence summary (if I’m lucky), so finding proper treatment or even a specialist with a depth of knowledge on them is difficult. My path to finding a diagnosis is not over yet, and what I have managed to find out has been like pulling teeth. I know I’m one of the lucky ones just learning as much as I have so far.
When I first gathered the courage and research needed to talk to a doctor about Ehler-Danlos Syndrome, her immediate reaction was to call me fat. Yes, really. She looked at me, puzzled, and said, “Isn’t that a disease for tall and thin people?” and I had to bite my tongue, hard. I also had to accept that she was not going to help me with this. Not now, and not ever. She simply thought I was nuts, even though I match 100% of both diagnostic criteria. It was humiliating, I felt lower than dirt and like maybe she was right, maybe it was all in my head, I was making this up for attention or so I didn’t have to work anymore. She had me so confused at a difficult time in my life when I didn’t realize that pain affects cognitive abilities, and she definitely abused her position of power as a doctor, numerous times. I started to internalize all her comments about my psychiatric health, personality flaws, and physical unattractiveness. I lost trust in myself completely because I thought I was either dying or a liar, and I couldn’t figure out which one.
Unfortunately for my entire story, really, I was in the middle of a lawsuit with a company whose semi-truck hit me, so I didn’t want to switch doctors, even though she was pretty incompetent and wouldn’t sign off on X-Rays for months after my car accident, not to mention that she made me cry and hate myself and panic for days after every appointment. This doctor often repeated with obvious frustration that there weren’t a lot of options, she didn’t know what else to do for me, and that my panic disorder was obviously the root cause of all my problems, not my car accident. Sigh… there’s much more to my dealings with her, I have a long list of quotes that would make you cringe! But telling me it was all in my head was her favorite. She did it in writing, even.
Nevermind that I had actually been diagnosed with two relatively serious spinal injuries once we started taking X-Rays and MRI’s, and they were dire enough to warrant my two neurosurgeons getting excited and thinking they were going to get to cut into me. Both of them were told politely that for me, back surgery is not for curing pain, it needs to be done for a more compelling reason, or in the case where surgery will stop further degeneration. Neither one of those things is true for me, and neither doctor really believed that they could improve my pain in the long run. They both just wanted to “cut and see”. No. I have enough problems without botched spine surgery! In addition to the torn disc in my lumbar and the one in my cervical spine, there are also a set of birth defects including the Spina Bifida, plus 11 Schmorl’s Nodes (central disc tears that protrude into the vertebrae below), nerve root cysts, a random scarred area of my spine about a centimeter across, height loss and disc desiccation, bulging discs, disc degeneration/arthritis, and best of all, completely unexplained extra cerebrospinal fluid trapped in odd places in my spinal column, even two years after the car accident. I was told that none of that stuff was a big deal, but I beg to differ! At 22 I had more problems with my spine that most people in their 70’s or 80’s. That is not “normal”. As far as figuring out what out of all those issues is causing me pain? I don’t think it even matters at this point, studies have failed time and time again to relate MRI changes of the spine to specific problems. We all seem to experience them differently. Supposedly other people whose spines look like mine can actually function as if nothing is going wrong in there. Good for them. I guess I’m just rare on all accounts!
I sought out the local teaching hospital in desperation, starting at the pain clinic where I was, somehow unbeknownst to me, diagnosed with fibromyalgia, hyperalgesia, allodynia, and neuropathy. Since no one bothered to mention that I had been diagnosed with those things, I was still frantically looking for answers in a myriad of other directions, while waiting two months for my referral to rheumatology, where I finally figured out what was happening to me, or at least found out that I had been right all along to keep pushing, and to not let any MD stigmatize me into silence.
My primary care at that time still didn’t believe that I was in real pain, even after emailing back and forth with my fibro specialist, and I’m pretty sure she thought fibromyalgia was a fake diagnosis. She told me she was sure I didn’t have it even after two specialists diagnosed me months apart, at the most reputable hospital in the state. “Other people have it so much worse, just get over it” (not necessarily as true as she thought it was… I was just very stubborn about hiding how bad it had gotten because it made me seem even crazier). “You’re a smart girl, I don’t understand why you can’t figure this out” (thanks?). “If you would just eat right, this wouldn’t be such a big issue” (Wanna come over to my house and cook healthy every night and watch me throw it up later because many “healthy” foods hate my body? Didn’t think so… I’m doing my best. Food doesn’t cure chronic illnesses, though it does help). “I can’t do anything for your pain, but you should really start taking longer walks” (this was a favorite of hers… infuriating when you are trying to decide if walking to the toilet is even an option right now). “You won’t get better by taking time off work, you just need to try to get through it.” and best of all: “Oh, is that your sympathy cane?” Phew. Right. Because if you can’t see it, you must make the person feel terrible for having it. I struggled through years of increasingly aggravating (more like tortuous) physical therapy and massage, while my other symptoms began to make themselves known and I pushed them away, in denial.
It was all related to panic attacks, I told myself. Calm the fuck down, Jessi, then it will stop.
Except, it didn’t stop, even on a massive dose of 3mg per day of clonazepam, which works out to about 9mg circulating in your system at any given time, more if you’re a slow metabolizer.
I was stuck with that mean, bitchy primary care doctor, throughout the three years of wasting what little energy and brainpower I had on a lawsuit that failed because I was too exhausted, sick and in severe, never-endingpain to focus on seeing it through.
In the end I went into the office of the attorneys who represented the company that hit me, just me and my boyfriend, and I talked them up a couple thousand from the measly couple thousand they offered. I made the attorney I was arguing with leave the room to talk to his boss at least eight times, and after three years of work and hope and being told my case was worth hundreds of thousands because my life had been utterly destroyed by this accident, I was dropped by my lawyer within a month of my court date and told for the first time that the accident didn’t ‘look big enough’ to have ruined my life, and a jury would think I was malingering. I gave up, something in me snapped after three years of putting so much hope into being fairly compensated for what had happened to me on my way to work and all the torture I had endured since, all the tests and all the ER trips and the days spent in woozy pain land.
We closed the case in the enemy’s plush, modern law practice, at the beautiful inlaid table, in the room with soaring glass walls overlooking a rooftop garden and downtown Portland. When the attorney picked up my signature off the table and began to turn his back and walk away, I felt my soul deflating. I had been keeping strict wraps on my panic attacks for months up until that moment, but my body took over right then. It started as a swelling in my chest and a ripping sensation in my throat, and then a noise that sounded more like a dying animal than an upset human tore it’s way loudly out of my lungs. I am not sure how long I sat there and screamed at the top of my lungs, my boyfriend trying to close the curtains while people came up to the glass room like I was a monkey in a zoo, staring in at the girl freaking out for no apparent reason.
What my doctors are starting to understand now, years later, is that I was so affected by the car accident because I was a perfect storm of bad genes, PTSD related scars in my spine and on my brain, and birth defects; a ticking time bomb that exploded when I was hit, and set in motion a cascade of chronic illnesses.
Ehler-Danlos Syndrome is congenital, and it often comes along with a host of other rare conditions, such as Chiari Malformation, POTS, OI or other autonomic nervous system failures falling under the category of dysautonomia. Having a tethered spine, cognitive impairments, Occipital Neuralgia/Migraines, Trigeminal Neuralgia, TMJD, Spina Bifida, Chronic Fatigue, and Fibromyalgia are all associated as well, among many other issues. There are two scales to help you figure out at home if you may need to bring Ehler-Danlos up with your own doctor; one is called the Brighton Scale, and one is called the Beighton Score. Either one is accepted as the standard for diagnosing the disorder in the absence of genetic testing, but it’s easy to measure both scores at the same time.
BEIGHTON SCORING SYSTEM for Ehler-Danlos Syndrome:
It is extremely important to know if you have EDS, especially if female, one of the reasons being it can be an issue with pregnancy. In addition, it affects your connective tissues, which are not just in your joints, they are in your organs and throughout your body as well. It’s also important to know that if you suspect you have it, the treatment is not much different for EDS type III Hypermobility (the most common) as it is for severe Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, so even if you can’t get a formal diagnosis of EDS, insist on them writing the severity of your JHS in your medical charts for a more discerning doctor to pick up on later, hopefully, and then do physical therapy for hypermobility, but carefully and only under the guidance of someone who knows how to improve muscle tone around the joints without stressing them too much or risking them subluxing or slipping out!
There are 6 main subsets of Ehler Danlos, but even more variances than that exist within the condition when you get really technical. Some are much, much worse than what I suspect is going on with me. I have a friend I greatly respect and admire, who actually managed to acquire not one, but two forms of the rare disease in utero.
Here are the various types of Ehler-Danlos Syndrome:
The main six types:
Classic Type I, Classic Type II
Hypermobility Type III
Vascular Type IV
Kyphoscoliotic Type VI
Arthrochalasia Type VII A-B
Dermatosparaxis Type VII C
The actual meanings and specifics of all these diagnoses is variable and too lengthy to go into detail on here, but for more info, feel free to head over to EDNF.org (Ehlers Danlos National Foundation) which has a lot of good info for patients and physicians alike. I am still trying to hunt down a doctor who will agree to genetic testing, but in the meanwhile I am doing my best to learn to avoid subluxated joints and painful dislocations as much as possible.
“More than 350 million people worldwide suffer from a rare disease. If a disease affects fewer than 200,000 people in the United States, it is considered rare. There are currently about 7,000 rare diseases identified worldwide, and approximately 80 percent are caused by genetic changes. These diseases are often chronic, progressive, complex, life-threatening, and affect the quality of life.”
I was born premature. For many reasons that were unavoidable at the time, my mom was on medications that are now considered seriously unsafe to a fetus and one in particular which has been straight-up recalled by the FDA, called Terbutaline, to keep me inside, and to keep her alive while medical emergencies kept cropping up. It was not a fun pregnancy for my mom and it was her first, and I think in the disaster of incompetent doctors I just got lost in the shuffle. I was pronounced a healthy baby with a minor heart murmur and bi-lateral hip dysplasia, and no one even noticed the Spina Bifida and hypoplastic vertebrae. I can’t blame them, when you’re contemplating heart surgery on a preemie infant, I suppose there are enough things to worry about without actively looking for more issues. Now it is tested for regularly, and monitored for in families with a history, though it is not entirely clear if genes, environment, or more likely a combination of the two, are to be blamed for it’s appearance in a fetus. However, we do know that it happens within the first four weeks, and the risks of having a baby with Spina Bifida if you have it yourself are much higher than for someone without it, but are also greatly reduced by taking 4mg of folic acid a day. Doctors vary on how long a woman should be taking the folic acid for optimum results, but all say a very minimum of a month, some say a year, of taking a regular dose of folic acid and other prenatal vitamins before attempting to become pregnant.
My father has Spina Bifida Occulta as well, and the same cracking joints that get stuck, but he is the opposite of flexible. I, however, was a gymnast nicknamed “Rubber Band Girl” by my teammates because I was so damn bendy. My younger brother has Spina Bifida too, and is also still insanely limber and never ‘grew out of it’ like he was told, and has joint pain as well. I was much more active than him as a kid, involved in gymnastics, swimming, ballet, tee-ball/softball and just about anything else I could attempt my hand at.
My pain has skyrocketed uncontrollably throughout young adulthood, especially since my car accident, but before that I had pain that I thought was either normal or “no big deal” (although you could see by my declining test scores throughout middle and high school that it was a big deal) and tried to play it off in a variety of ways. I especially remember that getting picked up as a kid was something I dreaded with the wrong person, because too much digging in my armpits or hips or back was insanely painful. As a child and throughout being a teen, my hip used to pop out while I was lying in bed, and I would be frozen, silently screaming like the wind was completely knocked out of me until I could force it back in. But that was “normal”?
The Spina Bifida pain presented itself mostly as tailbone pain and low back pain throughout my childhood and teenage years. I could do more sit-ups than anyone else in a minute, in my entire grade, boy or girl, but I had to be on the cushiest stack of floor mats or I couldn’t even do one. Laying on a hard surface would make me sweat with pain. Again… why that was normal, I don’t know. Anything that requires lengths of sitting or lying on something hard left me wondering if I was going insane, or if I should tell someone how much it hurt. It took until last year to get a formal diagnosis of Spina Bifida added to my chart, but I am so glad I know now and that I know to seek medical advice before becoming pregnant, if that is an option for me at all in the future.
From my rambling about it, I’m sure you gathered that Spina Bifida is one of these rare diseases as well. It is widely screened for now, thankfully, and there is even a surgery that can be done in utero to close a hole in the spine of the fetus if the problem is very severe. People with Spina Bifida who are looking to conceive can obtain genetic counseling to see what their chances are of birthing a non-affected child.
I had planned to write more, and maybe I will come back and do some more work on this post soon, as I just learned that this entire coming month is dedicated to raising awareness for rare diseases.
Related Media for Further Research:
http://www.rarediseaseday.org/ – An organization dedicated to bringing to light rare diseases and their causal factors. Networking for patients.
http://globalgenes.org/rarelist/ – A comprehensive list of almost all known rare diseases, with links to organizations where possible. This website also has toolkits for various life situations that face patients and caretakers, as well as packets for starting a fundraiser for rare disease. They have quality images for spreading awareness through social media as well. Most of the ones I used in this post come from their press release packet.
https://www.rareconnect.org/en – Hosted by trusted patient advocates, this is a place where rare disease patients can connect with others globally.
EDNF.org (Ehlers Danlos National Foundation) has a lot of good info, for patients and physicians alike. It also includes a section on how to find a diagnosis, and many of my friends have stated that emailing the organization can help push you through to an interested specialist as quickly as possible.
http://chronicillnessproblems.tumblr.com/EhlersDanlosInfo – An awesome collection of information assembled by a fellow blogger. Incredibly thorough and way more in depth than my little synopsis! She also has a wealth of links and research included, which is nice for those of us who like to learn as much as possible.
http://www.spinabifidaassociation.org/ – For 15 years the Spina Bifida Association has been seeking answers, spreading knowledge, and connecting patients. This website has a great selection of information for patients, practitioners, and caregivers.
Distraction Therapy and Art Therapy, rolled into one happy technique for doodling away the pain. I really do love this idea and immediately decided to go buy a few of these coloring books for adults!
This is one I sketched with pen and meticulously colored in with cheap watercolor pencils so as not to go insane while I was working at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, in the theater, in the dark, well before I had this kind of chronic pain or illness:
I totally remember how calm I felt while I did this and think this might be a new favorite distraction technique. Big thanks to Moongazer for the wonderful idea and for sharing it with everyone!
Distraction Therapy was first mentioned to me by an Occupational Therapist after my surgery but when I asked her for ideas (expecting her to have loads up her trained professional and experienced sleeve) she basically shrugged at me and googled ‘meditation’
So it is worth sharing snippets and suggestions amongst ourselves, methinks.
I find that sometimes, especially during a flare up of my FM, when the pain pills aren’t quite enough, sleep isn’t happening, and I am either too ‘foggy’ or bored or just plain restless for other things to occupy me – there is something I sometimes turn to as a distraction.
I have actually ummed and ahh’d a bit over posting about this, because I imagine there are people out there who might find this amusing, silly perhaps. But I saw another post about it the other week and decided Stuff it!! I will write about it.
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Currently I am working on not thinking things like “I want to disappear” “It would have been better if I had never existed” and several others super-negative self-reflections. I had stopped doing this, years ago, and thought these passive suicidal thoughts would not follow me into adulthood, but that wasn’t supposed to be my story, I guess.
When I am this miserable and at a peak flare up, and have dealt with weeks of unbearable pain already, it makes it so that it takes hours just to write one tiny post, my eyes at tiny slits, neck stuck in an odd position, lights and sound being overstimulating and making me feel like ants are crawling all over me and I’m going to have to get up and run out of the house naked if it doesn’t STOP.
And then, joy of joys, this new and beautiful cluster or occipital headache that will not quit. All I can say is, they aren’t commonly referred to as the suicide headaches without good reason.
I am surrounded by things I use to ward off pain, from rubs and tinctures and vitamins and supplements to prescriptions, massage neck rest, crystal piezo pen, DaVinci tool, back buddy, steaming mug of chai replacing my usual coffee, extra ginger and cinnamon, please. There is a bag of tart cherries next to me, a electronic devices all in one place, my contoured foam pillow, heating pads (yes, TWO), and a blanket all within easy reach too. Even some water and a raw food bar just in case I feel a sudden ability or need to put food into my body.
One whole side of my face throbs and twitches with this headache, it feels like snakes writhing around under my skin, biting and pulling apart my muscles and ligaments in my neck and the base of my skull, one snake curled around my eye, with his teeth sunk into my temple. Sometimes they migrate, to the strangest places in my body, if I move the wrong way or don’t rest often enough. The worst pain is a high spot on the back of my head on the right side that sends pain down my arm, into my face, up my skull, around and in my ear, teeth, and jaw, and straight down my neck and shoulder into my low back, causing my legs to just give out from underneath me with the aggressiveness of the pain. So I just keep repeating that i want to disappear, knowing I shouldn’t talk like that to myself and doing it all the same because it’s true. There is no happy thought for this kind of pain. I thought the broken rib feeling I have been dealing with for two weeks was bad, and that is not gone at all, but this is so, so, so much worse. It makes me want to rip my face off.
Here’s a pretty good illustration of that, and I wish I knew the artist:
I wish I could just take it off.
What do you guys do when you find yourself talking negatively to yourself or being unhealthy even though you know better? I try not to feel even more guilt about it, because I’m not gonna be perfect at managing this, ever. It’s not that kind of pain, it does not want to be “managed”. All I can do is hold on through the worst storms, and keep aiming for a month that is better than last month and the month before that, and hopefully when I look back, each year will be better. But right now, there is nothing better about this. There is only beautiful, high walled, fiery, unmoveable, vast oceans of pain. And I am out there, drifting in it. Just pain. It hit so suddenly, I didn’t have time to meditate, visualize, stretch, or treat it. What do you do when your doctor won’t treat your breakthrough pain or flare ups or even regular pain, you really don’t want to kill yourself, but you find yourself thinking about it because it would be nice to get away from the pain? I’m not this upset unless I’m in this much physical pain, I wish my doctors could see that first comes the pain, then comes the much more severe than usual desperation, anxiety, depression. It would be nice to think positively right now, but I’m not sure where it would get me, you know? Nice thoughts don’t make the pain better and I already took care of myself to the best of my physical abilities and it’s not enough. Berating myself for not thinking positively definitely doesn’t help. I just hold on, I guess, and try to not worry too much about the dark places my mind is going, knowing full well I don’t have the ability to act on those thoughts. This is just not… healthy. Not ideal. Not okay. I wish I could get the treatment I need.
What do you do when your pain makes you feel like you’re losing it? I am out of ideas, and have so little energy to try anything new that I almost feel stupid asking. Somehow I gotta get through this one, though, and I don’t know how.
I wish I could sleep.
This pain leaves me in limbo,
No rest makes me slow.
Yep, that’s what you get at 4am. I have been in so much pain. I know it’s temporary, but it would be more temporary if I could get to sleep at any point during one of these flare ups. Going on day three for the third time this month in which I have not been able to sleep more than an hour or two… that’s a third of my nights this month! Plus, I cannot nap. Totally incapable of it unless I’m beyond sick. There are a million things that are on my schedule tomorrow. I want, need, demand some sleep before I have to face another day in this much relentless pain.
I hope against hope that everyone else is enjoying some actual sleep with much less pain than this. I am sending you extra spoons, just in case. I won’t be able to function anyhow, so I’m happy to give them away to a good home!
I hope you all had the Christmas that you were hoping for, and even if you did not, I hope you found something in these holidays to be grateful for no matter what else is going on. My Christmas was full of many things, one of which was love, the other main component of which was pain.
I tried to write this post before I took some real painkillers, and whoa, I am not proud of the original version, but it does convey accurately what living in non-stop pain is like, so it may yet be posted, despite my embarrassment.
Right now, instead of salvaging/editing that previous documentation of hopeless levels of pain, I am going to talk about why it matters that we keep track and research, why it matters that we keep searching for hope in any form, and why it matters that we are able to openly discuss pain with people who are educated about it. Not very long ago, less than two hours, I was sobbing uncontrollably every ten or twenty minutes, unable to walk, unable to shift to a position in bed that would alleviate it, unable to sit at my desk or concentrate enough to talk to my boyfriend at all. So I am grateful, very grateful for painkillers, painkillers which I have kept in a dark place hidden away from everyone since around last time this year when I knew I was not going to be seeing the same doctor any more and that meant I would probably lose access to much-needed medicine that helped me to function just a little bit. And I was right, the next guy was a complete asshole, and he basically destroyed my life in ten minutes because he was afraid to treat pain correctly. Thank you, fucked up system, thank you dick-hole doctor, thank you crippling grief for my boyfriend’s father and severe anxiety at the time that kept me from fighting back.
Even these secreted away painkillers are leaving me close to tears right now, precariously perched between a 7 on the pain scale, which is barely manageable, and an 8, which is less manageable. Earlier I was at an extreme 9, but refusing to give in. Getting just a slight reduction is everything in this game; I must remind myself constantly at the moment to accept that 10%-20% relief is still better than the pain just growing, spreading and getting brighter and sharper and more intense to the point that even my breathing was rationed out because it hurt my spine too much to flex with each inhale and exhale.
Nerd moment: I can accurately say that the pain pills decimated my pain, because the word actually means a reduction of 10% (deci-) or more, traditionally it referenced killing one person in every ten as a punishment for the group, usually in the case of soldiers on the losing side.
For me personally, 10% is not enough for me to even consider something on sale in a clothing store, and it honestly wouldn’t mean anything to me if I didn’t know from experience that a tenth less is good news here. Very good news. It means the world to be allowed out from under the crushing burden of severe pain just for a little while. This is what a 10% reduction in pain means for me:
With that 10% reduction in pain, I have been able to make my own cup of coffee, walk up and down a half flight of stairs with a five minute break that I passed off as just a friendly chat with my downstairs roommates, and I popped some rolls in the oven that I made from scratch for Christmas and kept dormant in the fridge until this morning. Not much, not much at all really, but compared to having difficulty breathing due to pain, plus pain-puking which hurts even worse, it’s like magic. Doctors need to understand that non-stop chronic pain can kill, no matter what mood elevators I am on or regular dose of anti-anxiety medication, I am always shocked when the breakthrough pain and flare ups strike, often to the point of feeling helpless and hopeless against the severity of it. Sometimes depression is unavoidable at that point, at least for me.
Even if it only lasts for a few hours, the kind of depression that hits when I simply cannot cope with the level of pain that I am in, and when I know it will keep happening even if it stops for a little while, and nothing I try works even a little bit; at that point it is actually equal parts depression and desperation, and that is dangerous. It can be hard to keep a clear head when desperation enters the picture. With chronic pain, an episode of desperation and depression (both things most of us work very hard to keep at bay on a daily basis) can quickly turn into wondering why I am even here, wanting to escape my body by any means necessary, considering self-injury, wishing I could disappear, and a few times actively wishing to die without any set plans. I know many others spiral deeper than that through no fault of their own, and often because of misdiagnosis and mistreatment of their pain. Throw a little sleep deprivation/ painsomnia into the mix and a lack of understanding external support networks and all of a sudden you have a recipe for disaster. The data from a poll earlier this year, done by OHSU’s Dr’ Bennett, who is famous worldwide for his chronic pain research, found that a staggering 39% of Fibromyalgia patients have considered suicide. This is heartbreaking, terrifying data. More people with a disease that is supposedly not progressive or “dangerous” have considered suicide than those with Multiple Sclerosis or Lupus, which are traditionally considered much “worse” conditions to have. How awful.
Something needs to be done to provide these millions of people whose treatments are obviously failing them completely with a means of pain control that can allow them to see beyond this painful second into something a little better. I am so glad that I wisely hid away a few backup painkillers for breakthrough pain. Pain that my doctors keep insisting does not happen. I wish they could try living in my body for a week and then tell me how they feel about prescribing painkillers to chronic pain patients. We just need a break. I need a break in order to get to live my life a little tiny bit and most of all in order to get my shit together. When help is visible to me but I am not allowed to take it or ask for what I know will help me, it just feels like they’re being unreasonable and cruel. It’s terrifying to have your life in the hands of someone who does not know even a fraction of what you do about your body. It’s even more terrifying when the people who hold your life in their hands can be so openly hostile towards us when we need help the most.
We deserve so much better than the way that we are treated when we need help. I deserve better and more compassionate treatment than I am receiving and than I have received in the past. I certainly never want another pain patient to have to deal with the bully doctors I have been stuck with. I’m so tired of MD’s throwing their hands up in the air and saying they can’t help me when the answers are right there in front of them, and they’re afraid to prescribe it out of ignorance and pain-shaming. Whatever I was taking when I was still able to work part time in mid-2013, I need that all back in order to function and focus just barely enough to get to a point where my disability process is underway, my partner understands me and what’s going on with my body better, and all our paperwork is finally filed for all assistance agencies. Since 10% relief is a minor miracle during a flare up, I am no longer feeling desperation clawing at my neck, trying to burst out of my skin. But I know it’s lurking inside of me, waiting to strike in my next moment of pain and weakness. I know I can hold out time and time again, because I always have, but a part of me is scared of how bad I want out when it gets bad enough to make me vomit and sometimes go into shock.
I will do whatever it takes to keep holding on. This is just a bad day, it doesn’t mean I have a bad life.
Right now, I am looking to the humor and irony that coexist in how I have never been so uncomfortable in such soft, loose, comfortable clothing. At least there’s that! Amen for fleece. I never thought I would say that, but here we are, and I am wearing a fleece lined hoodie and fleece pants and it is pretty awesome.
Pain is an evil mistress, she whispers horrible things in my ear, she tells me lies and laughs when I fall, tells me failure is inevitable. She enjoys murdering my dreams and trashing my plans, but I enjoy stopping her.
She doesn’t own me, despite what she seems to think. She can have her fun, but I will still be here when she leaves. Every time. Hopefully she’ll get bored of me soon. I’m terribly bored of her. I keep telling her to leave me alone but she is persistent. Even when I lock her out she finds her way back in. An uninvited house guest, she is bad news on every level.
She will wear you down until you consider giving in to her petty demands. Yet, every time I ignore her or say no to her, she gets weaker, her influence less severe. But it feels as though I will never convince her to leave me completely.
This is a battle of willpower between me and Pain, and I will win out eventually. She makes it such a struggle, but I am stronger than her. There are some days when she wins, I give up and she gets what she wants from me and leaves me shaking, immobile, desperate to escape my body. Other days I tell her off and sometimes it even works and scares her away for a bit.
If you’re a guy, avert your eyes from the screen, you don’t want to hear about this, but ladies, it feels like I have a cheese-grater living in my uterus. HOLY CRAP.
Five days of my back going out or trying to go out, following four days of moodiness and binge eating, but preceding four days of this damn cheese-grater from hell.
But this week was not a waste, at all! I learned a little about how to make money online taking surveys and signing up for trials of things that forced me to devote a calendar entirely to cut-off dates. I managed to make almost $50 the first day, and there will be maybe a post about that and the lovely new mom, Amber, who introduced me to the right sites to start making money right away. Once I got the hang of it it’s even king of like a game. Except when my computer doesn’t work right!!! Then it’s just frustrating. 🙂
In addition to that, I went to the dentist, who lectured me for smoking and drinking coffee, then then the next day I went to the sleep medicine doctor, who also lectured me for smoking and coffee consumption.
Except the sleep doctor was awesome! She right away understood the difficulty and complexity of my case, she understood almost without me having to explain how my ADHD is permeating everything and maybe some of my fatigue and anxiety could be fixed with stimulants. Taking me off of them did not do me any favors in February. I just stopped functioning after the evil doctor from hell no pain patient ever wants to end up with told me he didn’t think I needed stimulants or painkillers of any kind because I was “perfectly healthy” according to him, even though I am far from either one of those words. Ugh. I gave up, I guess, I could have fought back, but no chronic pain sufferer wants any extra black marks in our book, doctors often hate us already based on a stereotype. The ones who aren’t openly hostile are often dismissive, cold, or attempt to come at the issue from one angle at a time, rather than taking a whole-picture approach. Then every now and again, you get a doctor like the one I talked to today, who are good at seeing problems and symptoms as linked together, who took my adrenal fatigue seriously even though it’s not a “real diagnosis” in the eyes of Western medicine, and who listens and who agreed on a whim to test me to see if I’ve ever had EBV, and had me tested me for B-12 and iron levels, which I am curious about since they got overlooked by the lab tech the last time they were ordered by a doctor. She strongly supports me going back on ADHD meds since I have failed all other treatments that might explain my seemingly conflicting issues of insomnia and extreme fatigue mixed in with brain fog, and ever increasing cognitive issues despite my pretty regular sleep schedule when I don’t have the dreaded painsomnia nights. And I’m on the correct treatment for my Restless Leg Syndrome, which is clonazepam, the one of my meds I currently have the most problem getting a hold of. I have to find a new doctor under a new health insurance plan I do not understand in exactly one month from today. My boyfriend promised to help me with some of this overwhelming stuff I can barely wrap my freaking brain around, but we haven’t had time for it yet, and he has no idea how embarrassing it is to ask for help in the first place, but that’s my problem not his. Still, I hate not being able to do complex tasks by myself. It makes me feel so weak and I want to learn to get around it, and the totally incomprehensible disability application is not just being pursued for my benefit, it is going to help both of us, especially if he can be payed for being my caretaker instead of doing it for free and possibly ending up resenting me for all the thankless work/burden of helping me. Over-thinking again, thinking in circles. It’s been an exhausting week and my brain is on overdrive, but out of gas. Yup.
I’m still doing affirmations, every week, at least two full pages. I cannot recommend those enough. You can feel so strong when you see all your personal powers and accomplishments written out on paper, and sometimes you don’t even know what it is you’re wishing for yourself until you go back and read what your heart wrote.
To top this week off in a positive light, my boyfriend and I did take some of the tiny settlement I got and put it towards a new vacuum at 75% off (its niiiice, on a good day even I can lift it and use it!) and I feel weird for being excited about a vacuum cleaner. Does this mean I’m an adult now? 😀
I also replaced my entire tattered, stained, ill-fitting wardrobe with comfy, slightly more put-together looking layering pieces and PJ’s even my severely fatigued self can assemble into an outfit! Victory!
For now, I’m just trying to ignore this cheese-grater inside me so I can focus on something, anything, out of the hundreds of things I can choose between that all need to get done.
Does anyone else accidentally assign music to certain periods in their life?
I’ve been doing that since I was… little? Like 9 or 10 at the latest. It used to be that I would pick a song that reminded me of a feeling I had while reading a book. I was reading a book a day, sometimes more, and each novel got its own song, and those songs served as really great triggers to remind me of the entire plot/emotions of each particular book. I don’t do that anymore, but every month or so a new song or an old one will float into my subconscious and stay there, playing on and on. The one that keeps getting running through my head right now is Suffer Well by Depeche Mode.
Yes, I have always had this affliction for Depeche Mode, The Smiths, The Cure, New Order, Joy Division, Bauhaus, etc. Classic goth music. Sleek, a little shiny, still as awesome as it was the day they conceived it. Make fun, I do not care! 🙂
I have loved this song forever, well, since 2006, when I was still in high school. But last month when I started listening to music again, I found it on my ipod and Dave Gahan and I got reacquainted. We warmed up to each other pretty quickly, I remember how I felt when I first heard it, all my suffering was psychological and stress-induced at that time, and my take on it was more about my how the antidepressants I had just been told to start taking were fucking my body and brain up in ways I hated. Now, listening to it again, I found something much more positive in this track.
Dave Gahan sings “Just hold on…. Suffer well. Sometimes it’s hard, so hard to tell.” Amen.Yes. It is hard to tell. I feel like people should be able to see the pain in my eyes or all around my body like fire, but they cannot. Only if I start acting off or unresponsive does anyone catch on. I’m still not used to it, I don’t know if I will ever get over feeling like it is arcing off my body, surrounding me in a fiery red that people should be able to see from a distance. The pain is so overwhelming that I keep thinking it must be visible, somehow. I stare at my betraying limbs, wondering how something that looks normal other than the spasms and twitching could possibly cause so much pain, and how, how, how can it look so normal?!
Lately my body has been plagued by infections I am having trouble getting rid of, but which I refuse to treat with western medicine yet because I know my body will eventually fight them off, naturally and more healthily than with more pills than I already take. One after another the severe infections appear, and then when I think I’m done with them, the cycle seems to start over, all over my body. I make progress, slowly, until I get sick or knocked down by a flare up for a while and my immune system tanks. I know I will prevail if I take care of myself correctly. It’s a learning curve.
This is where I take a page from an excellent Depeche Mode song, and try to suffer well, since the suffering seems quite inevitable right now.
I will also strive to care less that it is so truly hard to tell how much pain I am in. I am smiling on the outside, so I cannot hold those who mean well around me accountable. That is what words are for, after all! Definitely something for me to work on in the future!
I hope that if you are suffering tonight, you are enduring it well. I know that sounds odd if you haven’t been dealing with a chronic illness, but all my fellow spoonies will understand that I mean it with all the love in the world. Our suffering is not always avoidable, but we can choose how we handle it with practice.
Today as I was on my way from the bedroom to the living room with my stash of topical treatments for pain, I realized I must have a pretty decent collection by now, not even counting the twenty or so others I have thrown out. Each one goes with a different kind of pain that it helps to relieve, sometimes not enough at all, sometimes just enough to not scream. Sometimes I hurt so bad I forget I have them completely, and when that happens, they definitely don’t do me any good!
Do you have a small pharmacy at your disposal too? I better not be the only one who buys supplement after supplement that will supposedly help with pain (I was too embarrassed to take that picture, it would have scared you guys. So many bottles!!!), and I hope I’m not the only one who scours Amazon for the newest rubs, creams, and pain relieving ointments. Sometimes I hit gold, and I will make a list of my favorite topical and oral over the counter treatments very soon. The little gold and silver pen is a crystal powered “acupen”, not quite like the really nice $150 ones out there, I only spent $16 on this one, but it gets the job done on hands, feet, arms, parts of my neck, ears, jaw. It just blocks the pain signals temporarily by sending out a harmless electric pulse, it’s not magic, but hey, every bit counts when relief is slow in coming. Bonus: it doesn’t ever need batteries replaced!
I have told my boyfriend a million times that distraction is half the game. it’s why I talk non-stop sometimes when I’m hurting my worst, even though it gives me a horrid sore throat and I start to feel flu-sick after a few minutes of chatting. Even inflicting more pain is better than focusing on the pain. If that makes any sense at all. It probably does not, lol.
Sometimes I can’t seem to tune into real life, or break Pain’s hold on me. On those days I sometimes get depressed, anxious, and a little desperate. I feel outside of myself and “other” somehow, like I have nothing in common with the people around me, or like I shouldn’t be around people at all. Now I (try to) channel that bad energy into looking for at-home treatments to try or new ways of thinking about my illness that make it feel a little less like the massive burden it is. Every single little trick helps!
BTW, the most effective combo for my pain so far is Topricin, and my specially-mixed-for-me prescription of Ketamine 10% / Keprofen 10%/ Tetracaine 4%. But I actually do use every single one of the things pictures here on an almost daily basis, because I can only put the creams on so many times each day so I rotate through all my options frequently.
If anyone has anything to recommend, I would love to hear about it! I can’t handle anything that is too much like IcyHot, because that burnsburnsBURNS. But lighter cooling/warming products are usually okay.
Hope everyone is having a relatively pain free day. ❤
I can’t believe it, I wanted quiet to soothe my pounding head and I actually got it…. for the next half an hour, my house is still and pensive, just waiting for our downstairs neighbors and their three year old and my boyfriend and his best friend to all fill the walls and ceilings with voices and laughter again.
Right now all I can think is that I need to find a way to climb out of this flare up. I am not living, stuck at a 7 on average on the pain scale for almost 10 months, a screaming 8 today, and that’s with all the medication I am allowed to take at one time and all the meditation, biofeedback, and visualization that could possibly be squeezed into my day. Doesn’t my agony warrant some kind of pain relief, or am I not deserving of that for some reason? This week has felt like I am being tortured, I cannot think to save my life. Even the weight of the hood that protects my neck from the cold wind is compressing my neck and causing fiery misery. I am mixing up words, my face is slumping on the right side, non-stop colored lights and floaters in my vision, my pain is bouncing around from minute to minute, from an 8 through a 10 and back down to a 7 again, but we will call it an 8 because I don’t like to admit it’s any worse than that. Totally random things, a thumb, then a shoulder, a kidney, then an eyebrow, a hip, an armpit, a shin, then my thigh, abdomen, toe, face, then my other shoulder. It’s just madness. The pain is making me feel crazy, like I need to rip the offending body part off of me, or like it is being ripped off. The headache is getting worse day by day, and at this point ignoring it is no longer an option. Not to mention I threw my low back out (thankfully not the most painful of all the times this has happened, but out enough that I can’t bend over and have to shuffle around with my knees pressed together). My neck/skull on the right side are in the 9-but-I’ve-learned-how-to-make-it-seem-like-an-8-because-it-never-goes-away range. It’s really that flu-like ache that is so all-encompassing, just like when a healthy person has an actual virus, that it’s impossible for me to go about a regular day no matter how willing I am to push through the pain aspect of my illness.
I want so much to be able to use my Saturdays for something fun. I feel so bad for my boyfriend who has been every bit as profoundly impacted by these conditions I am dealing with, and I feel particularly bad today that he had to run all the errands himself. I am not the same kind of girlfriend that I was to him before the car accident. Then again, I also feel bad for myself, never getting to go thrift store shopping, see my friends, take walks, practice yoga or make everything from scratch with love, and on top of that feeling like a burden. I miss being the old me. The competent, smart, working, thriving me that was stolen away when I started to get really sick and the chronic pain became constant chronic pain from which I could seemingly find no relief.
Don’t take your health for-granted. If you can walk up and down the stairs and you can do it without fear of terrible pain, you should celebrate that fact right now! If you can cook dinner or pursue your hobby or your career, hug those abilities close and thank your body for making it possible. If you work out, even once a month, and get sore afterwards, soreness is so pleasant compared to how I feel even on a really good day!!! Rejoice in feeling sore and that you can work out, because both mean that you are in much better health than I am.
Happiness is a state of being, but that doesn’t mean that having good health doesn’t help, and that it isn’t incredibly difficult (ah, but not impossible, and that’s what this blog is really about) to be happy when your body feels like it’s being tortured. I usually try to end all my posts on a more cohesive, happier note, but sometimes that’s just not a part of today’s story. Sometimes I am angry at the pain, and sad for what is lost, and there is momentarily no solace except that this too will pass. Tomorrow is always a new, hopefully better day.
Thank you to all the sweet and lovely people who read my rants, who respond when it is hard, and who reach out when they are under a mountain of health concerns of their own. I am so very grateful to the beautiful souls who have graced my life throughout sickness and health. Again, I’m not sharing the way my pain gets to me so that others feel sorry for me, I know my pain is not as bad as it could be and I know I don’t manage it perfectly by any means. I am sharing this because maybe someone whose sister, husband, daughter, wife, mother, uncle, etc has told them they are ill or in constant pain, and who nodded but had no idea what that meant, maybe they will read what it is like to be traveling in the land of chronic illness. Maybe this information can be used for education, to bridge the gap between the land of the healthy and the land of the sick so we don’t have to travel alone so often.