She’s So Mean

Pain is an evil mistress, she whispers horrible things in my ear, she tells me lies and laughs when I fall, tells me failure is inevitable. She enjoys murdering my dreams and trashing my plans, but I enjoy stopping her.

She doesn’t own me, despite what she seems to think. She can have her fun, but I will still be here when she leaves. Every time. Hopefully she’ll get bored of me soon. I’m terribly bored of her. I keep telling her to leave me alone but she is persistent. Even when I lock her out she finds her way back in. An uninvited house guest, she is bad news on every level.

She will wear you down until you consider giving in to her petty demands. Yet, every time I ignore her or say no to her, she gets weaker, her influence less severe. But it feels as though I will never convince her to leave me completely.

This is a battle of willpower between me and Pain, and I will win out eventually. She makes it such a struggle, but I am stronger than her. There are some days when she wins, I give up and she gets what she wants from me and leaves me shaking, immobile, desperate to escape my body. Other days I tell her off and sometimes it even works and scares her away for a bit.

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About Jessi Finds Out Fibro

Hi, and thank you for finding your way to my corner of the web! I'm on a journey to empower myself and hopefully others through shared courage and compassion. I write Finding Out Fibro, a chronic illness and chronic pain awareness blog that is not just about fibromyalgia, as well as a new project making jewelry under the Etsy name Hopeful Spoon. Please check out the shop and share if you can! Thank you for your support! My other hobbies include defeating ableism anywhere I find it, upcycling old junk into funky awesomeness, raising my voice to erase stigma against invisible illness and mental illness, baking, collecting vintage kitchen ware, sharing body-positive messages, playing around in photoshop, abstract painting (especially in neons and metallics!), advocating for those living with chronic illnesses and mental health challenges, seeking safety and upholding visibility for LGBTQIA individuals living with physical and mental disabilities, researching and testing plant-based remedies for chronic pain, and spending all my spare spoons in my veggie garden. This is my opportunity to do more than just survive with chronic illness. This is me learning how to live well, even though there is no cure for the war my body is waging on me.

6 responses to “She’s So Mean”

  1. Ted Luoma says :

    I share similar feelings with chronic pain. It is as if the pain is more than just pain, but a very real adversary that is intent on destruction.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jessi Finds Out Fibro says :

      I’m sorry you’re in so much pain too! I think that as chronic pain sufferers, giving personification to our pain is actually a good thing, it helps us fight it off on a daily basis. The pain is so real, but it is invisible, and how do you win a fight against an invisible, intangible thing?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ted Luoma says :

        I agree that it helps to personify it. It is weird how it works. If I have a few days or even a day with little pain, I forget how bad the pain was. Its nearly as it was a bad dream. I would liken it to childbirth in that it is really painful, but once the baby arrives, mom soon forgets her agony. Perhaps it is a gift from God.

        However, I also find that when I’m in the middle of a flareup, I can’t remember what a good day feels like. The pain is unceasing as it chips away at your hope that it will pass.

        Then, there is the third and most common category where there are constant but manageable pain. At times it can be annoying like a horsefly, but it is generally a persistent low grade pain that usurps my energy.

        The biggest issue is that we look like malingerers because nobody can see the pain. We look fine, but getting off the couch might be a major undertaking.

        Like

  2. mysticallunarose says :

    Chronic pain is like another me that comes out and bullies this me and beats me up when ever it feels like it. Definitely an adversary. ;~)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jessi Finds Out Fibro says :

      Very much so. I couldn’t decide who Pain is exactly in this story… an ex girlfriend, an annoying sibling or family member, a mooching friend, a one night stand gone horribly wrong, or an evil twin, but it doesn’t really matter because you’re right, she’s just a bully either way. All that matters is that we keep fighting.
      ❤ Wishing you your own victory day over Pain.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. abodyofhope says :

    So beautiful and creative. Even though you are writing about something dark and nightmarish- there’s still a feeling that you have the reigns over it.

    I love that you say when she leaves you will still be here.
    Wow. That’s so powerful! She isn’t going to destroy you or eat you alive. She will occupy you, but you’ll maintain yourself. That’s a really strong declaration of war, don’t you think? I do. Something I’ll have to think about.

    Really wonderful creative piece. I love seeing you spread your wings in new ways.

    Liked by 1 person

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