If you’re a guy, avert your eyes from the screen, you don’t want to hear about this, but ladies, it feels like I have a cheese-grater living in my uterus. HOLY CRAP.
Five days of my back going out or trying to go out, following four days of moodiness and binge eating, but preceding four days of this damn cheese-grater from hell.
But this week was not a waste, at all! I learned a little about how to make money online taking surveys and signing up for trials of things that forced me to devote a calendar entirely to cut-off dates. I managed to make almost $50 the first day, and there will be maybe a post about that and the lovely new mom, Amber, who introduced me to the right sites to start making money right away. Once I got the hang of it it’s even king of like a game. Except when my computer doesn’t work right!!! Then it’s just frustrating. 🙂
In addition to that, I went to the dentist, who lectured me for smoking and drinking coffee, then then the next day I went to the sleep medicine doctor, who also lectured me for smoking and coffee consumption.
Except the sleep doctor was awesome! She right away understood the difficulty and complexity of my case, she understood almost without me having to explain how my ADHD is permeating everything and maybe some of my fatigue and anxiety could be fixed with stimulants. Taking me off of them did not do me any favors in February. I just stopped functioning after the evil doctor from hell no pain patient ever wants to end up with told me he didn’t think I needed stimulants or painkillers of any kind because I was “perfectly healthy” according to him, even though I am far from either one of those words. Ugh. I gave up, I guess, I could have fought back, but no chronic pain sufferer wants any extra black marks in our book, doctors often hate us already based on a stereotype. The ones who aren’t openly hostile are often dismissive, cold, or attempt to come at the issue from one angle at a time, rather than taking a whole-picture approach. Then every now and again, you get a doctor like the one I talked to today, who are good at seeing problems and symptoms as linked together, who took my adrenal fatigue seriously even though it’s not a “real diagnosis” in the eyes of Western medicine, and who listens and who agreed on a whim to test me to see if I’ve ever had EBV, and had me tested me for B-12 and iron levels, which I am curious about since they got overlooked by the lab tech the last time they were ordered by a doctor. She strongly supports me going back on ADHD meds since I have failed all other treatments that might explain my seemingly conflicting issues of insomnia and extreme fatigue mixed in with brain fog, and ever increasing cognitive issues despite my pretty regular sleep schedule when I don’t have the dreaded painsomnia nights. And I’m on the correct treatment for my Restless Leg Syndrome, which is clonazepam, the one of my meds I currently have the most problem getting a hold of. I have to find a new doctor under a new health insurance plan I do not understand in exactly one month from today. My boyfriend promised to help me with some of this overwhelming stuff I can barely wrap my freaking brain around, but we haven’t had time for it yet, and he has no idea how embarrassing it is to ask for help in the first place, but that’s my problem not his. Still, I hate not being able to do complex tasks by myself. It makes me feel so weak and I want to learn to get around it, and the totally incomprehensible disability application is not just being pursued for my benefit, it is going to help both of us, especially if he can be payed for being my caretaker instead of doing it for free and possibly ending up resenting me for all the thankless work/burden of helping me. Over-thinking again, thinking in circles. It’s been an exhausting week and my brain is on overdrive, but out of gas. Yup.
I’m still doing affirmations, every week, at least two full pages. I cannot recommend those enough. You can feel so strong when you see all your personal powers and accomplishments written out on paper, and sometimes you don’t even know what it is you’re wishing for yourself until you go back and read what your heart wrote.
To top this week off in a positive light, my boyfriend and I did take some of the tiny settlement I got and put it towards a new vacuum at 75% off (its niiiice, on a good day even I can lift it and use it!) and I feel weird for being excited about a vacuum cleaner. Does this mean I’m an adult now? 😀
I also replaced my entire tattered, stained, ill-fitting wardrobe with comfy, slightly more put-together looking layering pieces and PJ’s even my severely fatigued self can assemble into an outfit! Victory!
For now, I’m just trying to ignore this cheese-grater inside me so I can focus on something, anything, out of the hundreds of things I can choose between that all need to get done.