Cheese-Grater

If you’re a guy, avert your eyes from the screen, you don’t want to hear about this, but ladies, it feels like I have a cheese-grater living in my uterus. HOLY CRAP.

Five days of my back going out or trying to go out, following four days of moodiness and binge eating, but preceding four days of this damn cheese-grater from hell.

But this week was not a waste, at all! I learned a little about how to make money online taking surveys and signing up for trials of things that forced me to devote a calendar entirely to cut-off dates. I managed to make almost $50 the first day, and there will be maybe a post about that and the lovely new mom, Amber, who introduced me to the right sites to start making money right away. Once I got the hang of it it’s even king of like a game. Except when my computer doesn’t work right!!! Then it’s just frustrating. 🙂

In addition to that, I went to the dentist, who lectured me for smoking and drinking coffee, then then the next day I went to the sleep medicine doctor, who also lectured me for smoking and coffee consumption.

Except the sleep doctor was awesome! She right away understood the difficulty and complexity of my case, she understood almost without me having to explain how my ADHD is permeating everything and maybe some of my fatigue and anxiety could be fixed with stimulants. Taking me off of them did not do me any favors in February. I just stopped functioning after the evil doctor from hell no pain patient ever wants to end up with told me he didn’t think I needed stimulants or painkillers of any kind because I was “perfectly healthy” according to him, even though I am far from either one of those words. Ugh. I gave up, I guess, I could have fought back, but no chronic pain sufferer wants any extra black marks in our book, doctors often hate us already based on a stereotype. The ones who aren’t openly hostile are often dismissive, cold, or attempt to come at the issue from one angle at a time, rather than taking a whole-picture approach. Then every now and again, you get a doctor like the one I talked to today, who are good at seeing problems and symptoms as linked together, who took my adrenal fatigue seriously even though it’s not a “real diagnosis” in the eyes of Western medicine, and who listens and who agreed on a whim to test me to see if I’ve ever had EBV, and had me tested me for B-12 and iron levels, which I am curious about since they got overlooked by the lab tech the last time they were ordered by a doctor. She strongly supports me going back on ADHD meds since I have failed all other treatments that might explain my seemingly conflicting issues of insomnia and extreme fatigue mixed in with brain fog, and ever increasing cognitive issues despite my pretty regular sleep schedule when I don’t have the dreaded painsomnia nights. And I’m on the correct treatment for my Restless Leg Syndrome, which is clonazepam, the one of my meds I currently have the most problem getting a hold of. I have to find a new doctor under a new health insurance plan I do not understand in exactly one month from today. My boyfriend promised to help me with some of this overwhelming stuff I can barely wrap my freaking brain around, but we haven’t had time for it yet, and he has no idea how embarrassing it is to ask for help in the first place, but that’s my problem not his. Still, I hate not being able to do complex tasks by myself. It makes me feel so weak and I want to learn to get around it, and the totally incomprehensible disability application is not just being pursued for my benefit, it is going to help both of us, especially if he can be payed for being my caretaker instead of doing it for free and possibly ending up resenting me for all the thankless work/burden of helping me. Over-thinking again, thinking in circles. It’s been an exhausting week and my brain is on overdrive, but out of gas. Yup.

I’m still doing affirmations, every week, at least two full pages. I cannot recommend those enough. You can feel so strong when you see all your personal powers and accomplishments written out on paper, and sometimes you don’t even know what it is you’re wishing for yourself until you go back and read what your heart wrote.

To top this week off in a positive light, my boyfriend and I did take some of the tiny settlement I got and put it towards a new vacuum at 75% off (its niiiice, on a good day even I can lift it and use it!) and I feel weird for being excited about a vacuum cleaner. Does this mean I’m an adult now? 😀

I also replaced my entire tattered, stained, ill-fitting wardrobe with comfy, slightly more put-together looking layering pieces and PJ’s even my severely fatigued self can assemble into an outfit! Victory!

For now, I’m just trying to ignore this cheese-grater inside me so I can focus on something, anything, out of the hundreds of things I can choose between that all need to get done.

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About Jessi Finds Out Fibro

Hi, and thank you for finding your way to my corner of the web! I'm on a journey to empower myself and hopefully others through shared courage and compassion. I write Finding Out Fibro, a chronic illness and chronic pain awareness blog that is not just about fibromyalgia, as well as a new project making jewelry under the Etsy name Hopeful Spoon. Please check out the shop and share if you can! Thank you for your support! My other hobbies include defeating ableism anywhere I find it, upcycling old junk into funky awesomeness, raising my voice to erase stigma against invisible illness and mental illness, baking, collecting vintage kitchen ware, sharing body-positive messages, playing around in photoshop, abstract painting (especially in neons and metallics!), advocating for those living with chronic illnesses and mental health challenges, seeking safety and upholding visibility for LGBTQIA individuals living with physical and mental disabilities, researching and testing plant-based remedies for chronic pain, and spending all my spare spoons in my veggie garden. This is my opportunity to do more than just survive with chronic illness. This is me learning how to live well, even though there is no cure for the war my body is waging on me.

6 responses to “Cheese-Grater”

  1. The Person Next to You says :

    I have Lyme Disease and I am very familiar with the cheese grater feeling you describe. It sucks. 😦

    Like

    • Jessi Finds Out Fibro says :

      I’m horribly sorry that you know what I’m talking about. I’ve thought this was normal since I was 13. only to just now realize that most women do not hate their reproductive organs (or the other way around!!!) nearly as much as I end up hating them half of the month. Wish we could both not deal with this anymore!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Moongazer says :

    ((((hugs)))) I was wondering how you are. I used to have awful period pain, right back to when I started at 10 (10 ffs!!). It got easier after I had kids but only really eased once I got a mirena coil. They last 5 years and even tho I have to have it done under a general anasthetic, it is so worth it. And they will give them to women who havent had a baby yet if there is enough reason. Excruciating pain on top of other illness is surely enough reason (((((hugs))))
    Also, have you considered vaping? I gave up smoking in feb by vaping and there are some fantastic flavours out there. Even coffee 🙂 Its also a hell of a lot cheaper 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jessi Finds Out Fibro says :

      Aw thanks you so much for your warmth and concern, you’re a total sweetheart ❤
      So, without going into too much detail, I had some traumatic experiences with a childhood doctor involving sexual assault, and now I can't even get a pap done, can't handle it. Have been laughed at when I suggested being put under. I do want kids, in the next five years even, assuming I can lose 50 pounds, figure out a home-birthing option and midwife/birth coach, and GET OFF OF PILLS and onto enough supplements to help ensure that my little one isn't born with Spina Bifida Occulta like I was. I can't prevent the genetic link possibility that they will have Fibro, as I had it even as a kid, I think (couldn't wear jeans, couldn't handle being picked up by my armpits because of tender spots, my ribs and back and feet ALWAYS hurt, I used to sprain and dislocate something every week, it seems. Worried about Ehler-Danlos, so I need genetic counseling to understand my risk of passing that shit fest on.
      I'm happy to put up with the pain if it means I can hold my own child in my hands some day. Even if I find out I can't have children in the future, I will be okay with my decision to tough it out without any kind of birth control to help relieve the pain, and I will happily adopt. I just want to keep my options as open as possible. My boyfriend and I are very serious about having a family together and have been the whole six years we've been together and through all the challenges we have been put through as individuals and as a couple.

      As for vaping, I love it, I love the flavors, I love everything about it, except that I'm allergic to something in the flavorings for the PGE, I can't tell which at this point, because every time I take more than a couple drags, my whole head gets stuffed up and my lungs wheeze and rattle like I have pneumonia. No good! I sometimes vape an organic vegetable glycerin blend with CBD's in it instead of nicotine, but that's it. I wish I could switch, I have a good friend with fibro whose boyfriend own a headshop/vape store and they are super helpful and want us to quit, but it hasn't worked for me. I'm so glad it does work for you though!!! I think a big component of my smoking is my uncontrolled and untreated ADHD, Studies have shown 70% of people with ADHD smoke and that ADHD smokers are the least likely to quit of any group. Crazy. Still I have to quit in order to get pregnant some day as well, but I started smoking when I was 11 and I'm 25 now… ugh. I gotta get on that one and not use my ADHD as an excuse!!! Especially since fibro raises our risk of cancer across the board.
      I really appreciate your helpful advice and experience. I'm glad those are things that do indeed help you. I have a question about your personal views on vaping though.
      Do you think that switching to vaping has improved your pain levels in any way? Even if it's just because you're not going outside as much in this nasty weather this time of year, I'm curious. People keep telling me I will hurt less if I quit smoking, but I'm not sure I follow the logic. Smoking distracts me from the pain!
      much love and hugs dear!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Moongazer says :

    ((((hugs)))) Life is never easy is it?
    I have to say that I havent noticed any difference in my pain since I switched to vaping. My lung capacity is a lot better, but pain….nope.
    And I agree with you about it being a distraction. I’d even wondered a time or two if there wasnt a painkilling element to nicotine. Wouldn’t that be ironic? LOL
    You are the same age as my eldest daughter 🙂
    You have so much going on and to think about. I love that you are happy to adopt too, if thats your only option. ((((hugs)))))

    Liked by 1 person

  4. abodyofhope says :

    I’m sorry your monster in your belly is making everything so much worse 😦
    Hearing about your Dr visits makes me frustrated for you. It’s like the doctors have all of the keys and we know they can open the doors, but we just aren’t saying the answers to the riddles or something. It really drives me nuts. I’m so sorry you are dealing with so much of that these days. It can really add to your stress and make you feel even worse, don’t you think?
    I didn’t realize adrenal fatigue wasn’t recognized by all Drs. Interesting…
    I’m so sorry you are struggling to get answers. I know you just want so badly to make some improvements- and you deserve that. It sounds like the sleep Dr has your best in mind. I hope she can help point you in a positive direction for your health.
    That’s awesome about getting some new clothes! That’s always fun 🙂
    I hope that cheese grater takes a hike soon so you can enjoy those new threads soon!
    xoxo

    Like

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