Does anyone else accidentally assign music to certain periods in their life?
I’ve been doing that since I was… little? Like 9 or 10 at the latest. It used to be that I would pick a song that reminded me of a feeling I had while reading a book. I was reading a book a day, sometimes more, and each novel got its own song, and those songs served as really great triggers to remind me of the entire plot/emotions of each particular book. I don’t do that anymore, but every month or so a new song or an old one will float into my subconscious and stay there, playing on and on. The one that keeps getting running through my head right now is Suffer Well by Depeche Mode.
Yes, I have always had this affliction for Depeche Mode, The Smiths, The Cure, New Order, Joy Division, Bauhaus, etc. Classic goth music. Sleek, a little shiny, still as awesome as it was the day they conceived it. Make fun, I do not care! 🙂
I have loved this song forever, well, since 2006, when I was still in high school. But last month when I started listening to music again, I found it on my ipod and Dave Gahan and I got reacquainted. We warmed up to each other pretty quickly, I remember how I felt when I first heard it, all my suffering was psychological and stress-induced at that time, and my take on it was more about my how the antidepressants I had just been told to start taking were fucking my body and brain up in ways I hated. Now, listening to it again, I found something much more positive in this track.
Dave Gahan sings “Just hold on…. Suffer well. Sometimes it’s hard, so hard to tell.” Amen.Yes. It is hard to tell. I feel like people should be able to see the pain in my eyes or all around my body like fire, but they cannot. Only if I start acting off or unresponsive does anyone catch on. I’m still not used to it, I don’t know if I will ever get over feeling like it is arcing off my body, surrounding me in a fiery red that people should be able to see from a distance. The pain is so overwhelming that I keep thinking it must be visible, somehow. I stare at my betraying limbs, wondering how something that looks normal other than the spasms and twitching could possibly cause so much pain, and how, how, how can it look so normal?!
Lately my body has been plagued by infections I am having trouble getting rid of, but which I refuse to treat with western medicine yet because I know my body will eventually fight them off, naturally and more healthily than with more pills than I already take. One after another the severe infections appear, and then when I think I’m done with them, the cycle seems to start over, all over my body. I make progress, slowly, until I get sick or knocked down by a flare up for a while and my immune system tanks. I know I will prevail if I take care of myself correctly. It’s a learning curve.
This is where I take a page from an excellent Depeche Mode song, and try to suffer well, since the suffering seems quite inevitable right now.
I will also strive to care less that it is so truly hard to tell how much pain I am in. I am smiling on the outside, so I cannot hold those who mean well around me accountable. That is what words are for, after all! Definitely something for me to work on in the future!
I hope that if you are suffering tonight, you are enduring it well. I know that sounds odd if you haven’t been dealing with a chronic illness, but all my fellow spoonies will understand that I mean it with all the love in the world. Our suffering is not always avoidable, but we can choose how we handle it with practice.