Awkward

That feeling when you pour your heart out and the other person says not one single word the entire time, during or after. Yes. That.

Exhausted from wanting to hear something, anything when I am done talking, or while I am talking, or even two hours or two days later, but I have to accept that it’s not coming. There is no apology. There is no reassurance. There is no “I’m proud of how far you’ve come” or anything else that would let me know that “I’m ready to wash my hands of you” is not still the underlying truth here.

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About Jessi Finds Out Fibro

Hi, and thank you for finding your way to my corner of the web! I'm on a journey to empower myself and hopefully others through shared courage and compassion. I write Finding Out Fibro, a chronic illness and chronic pain awareness blog that is not just about fibromyalgia, as well as a new project making jewelry under the Etsy name Hopeful Spoon. Please check out the shop and share if you can! Thank you for your support! My other hobbies include defeating ableism anywhere I find it, upcycling old junk into funky awesomeness, raising my voice to erase stigma against invisible illness and mental illness, baking, collecting vintage kitchen ware, sharing body-positive messages, playing around in photoshop, abstract painting (especially in neons and metallics!), advocating for those living with chronic illnesses and mental health challenges, seeking safety and upholding visibility for LGBTQIA individuals living with physical and mental disabilities, researching and testing plant-based remedies for chronic pain, and spending all my spare spoons in my veggie garden. This is my opportunity to do more than just survive with chronic illness. This is me learning how to live well, even though there is no cure for the war my body is waging on me.

5 responses to “Awkward”

  1. lisasretro says :

    You shouldn’t have to work hard for a response or an indication of caring.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. abodyofhope says :

    I’m sorry Jessi. Even when people don’t really know what to say or how to react, they could at least say that very thing in response. It takes so much energy and thought to say just what you mean to be left hanging by those we love most.
    I hope in time there is a resolution. Being in no-man’s land is disheartening ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jessi Finds Out Fibro says :

      Actually, it did get resolved! A lot of hard work and tears and brokenhearted silences, but we worked through it eventually. Actually, to be honest, my heart is more at ease than it has been in years. I just had to get the guts to ask for what I needed in a direct and logical way. Not easy, but when you get to a point, there is no other option. I can’t settle for less than I need just because I’m ill, and I can’t ask him to settle for less because I’m ill either. It just all was one giant cloud of “I have no idea how you really feel but the glimpses I’m getting aren’t great”. I needed reassurance, and still do, and I have to learn to tell him what I need to hear. I really needed to hear that he would fight for me, and that he still wanted to be married someday (hopefully soon!). It took me literally months to get my thoughts together enough to say what I really meant. Not that we worked out every single thing, just that the underlying issues got talked through in a positive way more than ever before.
      I felt like I was heard/validated for the first time in a long time, and I felt like for once I wasn’t to blame for everything not being perfect.
      I had been missing the tenderness and respect we had before, the “us vs the world” mentality that had been so strong until both our worlds came crashing down this year. Now I know we can get back there. I can breathe and relax and feel loved. All wonderful, amazing things. Throughout all of this I have been learning so much.
      ❤ ❤ thank you so much for responding, I appreciate your way of always reaching out and understanding so well what it is I'm clumsily trying to say.
      Happy Thanksgiving darling! (if I don't hear from you until after the holiday)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. abodyofhope says :

    Well, you and I are on such a wavelength bc I was writing something so similar yesterday… Wow! Kind of blowing my mind.
    It’s very very hard to get help and then feel ingratiated in a way, but we are still part of the same commitment as before even if our body is different. And you are so right, we have to be open like we were before. It’s all very hard. It’s such a huge step asking for what you need. It really can empower the other person more than you may think. I hope this is a big step forward in your relationship. Many other people would break and fall apart at this point. You should be really proud of yourself and of your bf as well. Happy sweet loving romantic holiday today celebrating one another ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. amberafrica says :

    You go girl! You have come so far, be proud!!!! And don’t let others get ya down,there are special people ( a person ) that will build you up because even if your body has changed you are still a woman with normal needs …….not everybody gets that! Shame on them!
    Many hugs Shari

    Like

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