Failure IS an Option

I don’t mind failure, I relish in it, honestly. Without failure there would be no success, no learning and no growth.

However, just because failure doesn’t scare me, the thought of having to go through a lengthy process like applying for disability more than once is unbelievably daunting now that I am dealing with several chronic illnesses. And since I have the focus of a golden retriever puppy on a walk…

What was I saying? Oh yeah, since I completely lack all concentration whatsoever, I have had to develop some strategies for getting around my deficit. It has been about keeping it simple, being less self-conscious of my mistakes, and looking for positive reinforcement in the smallest of victories.

That was just a list of stuff, so here are some examples: If I want to paint tomorrow, I know I can’t expect to complete a piece start to finish in one day. I have to pare down tasks into steps, or pick smaller goals now, like just sketching my idea out one day and then doing a couple coats of gesso the second day. When something turns out not quite right when I do finally get around to painting on the third day, or maybe the fourth or fifth, I just try to focus on the process more instead of the final result. Even if it turns out looking more like a muddy field than a work of art, if I can use that canvas as a learning tool for teaching myself a new technique (or how not to use a new technique), then I go ahead count it as a victory, whereas before I would have gotten mad at myself.

I think one of the most valuable things that being chronically ill has taught me is how to view failure as success. I have become very good at being my own inner cheerleader (see, I’m doing it right now!). There is always a silver lining, and there always has to be. Every time I find one, I win and Chronic Pain loses. It might not even seem like much at the time that I find the little shiny piece of gold in all the shit, but it is everything when I look back.

This year was the year of perspective and organizing my thoughts, and one of the results is that I finally decided I am not weak. I have been through too much and stayed true to myself for too long to be weak. I might be writing this in a jumbled mess of words that will hardly make sense when I go back and try to fix it up into some semblance of English tomorrow morning over coffee, but I am writing, not wallowing. I’m changing my story by choosing to find the victory in the very small. So that later I can look back and see happiness.

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About Jessi Finds Out Fibro

Hi, and thank you for finding your way to my corner of the web! I'm on a journey to empower myself and hopefully others through shared courage and compassion. I write Finding Out Fibro, a chronic illness and chronic pain awareness blog that is not just about fibromyalgia, as well as a new project making jewelry under the Etsy name Hopeful Spoon. Please check out the shop and share if you can! Thank you for your support! My other hobbies include defeating ableism anywhere I find it, upcycling old junk into funky awesomeness, raising my voice to erase stigma against invisible illness and mental illness, baking, collecting vintage kitchen ware, sharing body-positive messages, playing around in photoshop, abstract painting (especially in neons and metallics!), advocating for those living with chronic illnesses and mental health challenges, seeking safety and upholding visibility for LGBTQIA individuals living with physical and mental disabilities, researching and testing plant-based remedies for chronic pain, and spending all my spare spoons in my veggie garden. This is my opportunity to do more than just survive with chronic illness. This is me learning how to live well, even though there is no cure for the war my body is waging on me.

One response to “Failure IS an Option”

  1. abodyofhope says :

    Amen! You are so great at describing pacing in this post. And pacing is a super hard thing to do! I love that you say we have to be our own cheerleader and also give ourselves permission to not be perfect. That’s exactly it! Not just for people with chronic illness, but for everyone. Thank you for trying to describe the impossible thing we call “balance.” Awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

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