Stream of Conscience: Faking It. Making It.
Last week was an incredibly rough week, one that I was dreading and am now recovering from. I’m still in denial that I am as sick as I am…. but certain truths say I need to reevaluate the serious beating my body takes every day just trying to function halfway, fake a smile past all the pain, try to stay present when people talk to me or I’m doing Chris’ homework. The truth? I’m not really there, I’m in my own place fighting demons that most of the people in my life do not understand. And that’s all I do, all day, every day. I fight the pain in my sleep, even.
All that fighting makes me forget who I am.
I can’t go the rest of my life not able to work, it’s just not an option.That’s not me. I’m only 25, and I loved having a job when I could still function a little, even when it was just barely possible for me to make it through a modified 4 hour shift with extra breaks.
Somehow I’m gonna get better, or find something I’m good at even as useless as I am right now. I’m tired of getting worse. And scared, too, to be honest.
There is so much work ahead of me… and I’m just exhausted… too exhausted to shower or brush my teeth or eat for days at a time. Not depressed, just in an unbelievable amount of pain. Seriously, I know no one believes it’s “that bad” but they’d be wrong. Being in pain from your bones to your skin is my reality, and that’s on a good day. I don’t think most people could handle it. Some days I don’t think I can handle it. But I do, and people in worse situations than me manage with a smile on their face as well. Love all you tough and wonderful spoonie warriors.