Stream of Conscience: Faking It. Making It.

Last week was an incredibly rough week, one that I was dreading and am now recovering from. I’m still in denial that I am as sick as I am…. but certain truths say I need to reevaluate the serious beating my body takes every day just trying to function halfway, fake a smile past all the pain, try to stay present when people talk to me or I’m doing Chris’ homework. The truth? I’m not really there, I’m in my own place fighting demons that most of the people in my life do not understand. And that’s all I do, all day, every day. I fight the pain in my sleep, even.

All that fighting makes me forget who I am.

Help?

I can’t go the rest of my life not able to work, it’s just not an option.That’s not me. I’m only 25, and I loved having a job when I could still function a little, even when it was just barely possible for me to make it through a modified 4 hour shift with extra breaks.

Somehow I’m gonna get better, or find something I’m good at even as useless as I am right now. I’m tired of getting worse. And scared, too, to be honest.

There is so much work ahead of me… and I’m just exhausted… too exhausted to shower or brush my teeth or eat for days at a time. Not depressed, just in an unbelievable amount of pain. Seriously, I know no one believes it’s “that bad” but they’d be wrong. Being in pain from your bones to your skin is my reality, and that’s on a good day. I don’t think most people could handle it. Some days I don’t think I can handle it. But I do, and people in worse situations than me manage with a smile on their face as well. Love all you tough and wonderful spoonie warriors.

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About Jessi Finds Out Fibro

Hi, and thank you for finding your way to my corner of the web! I'm on a journey to empower myself and hopefully others through shared courage and compassion. I write Finding Out Fibro, a chronic illness and chronic pain awareness blog that is not just about fibromyalgia, as well as a new project making jewelry under the Etsy name Hopeful Spoon. Please check out the shop and share if you can! Thank you for your support! My other hobbies include defeating ableism anywhere I find it, upcycling old junk into funky awesomeness, raising my voice to erase stigma against invisible illness and mental illness, baking, collecting vintage kitchen ware, sharing body-positive messages, playing around in photoshop, abstract painting (especially in neons and metallics!), advocating for those living with chronic illnesses and mental health challenges, seeking safety and upholding visibility for LGBTQIA individuals living with physical and mental disabilities, researching and testing plant-based remedies for chronic pain, and spending all my spare spoons in my veggie garden. This is my opportunity to do more than just survive with chronic illness. This is me learning how to live well, even though there is no cure for the war my body is waging on me.

2 responses to “Stream of Conscience: Faking It. Making It.”

  1. waxingturtle says :

    OMG! I totally understand! I used to get mean comments from my old dentists about not brushing enough, and I was like, “look, my day is hard enough, my medicines make my mouth dry which contributes to tooth decay and I’m lucky to get my dishes washed much less my teeth scrubbed!” The pain just exhausts you and leaves no care or energy for anything… (although admittedly, i’ve taken more time to brush and floss because I dont want to add losing my teeth to my list of things that are awful.)
    But, you’re right, It Just SUCKS! and people around me are starting to understand, only because I’ve started talking about it!
    But it still makes life hard, really, really hard. I think you are serving a great purpose by keeping this blog. You are helping others, like me, not feel crazy or lazy. You are inspiring others to do the same, to talk about what we are going through, to bring invisible illness to the attention of society. You are a warrior! Keep it up, others, again, like me, will join and fight beside you!

    Oh btw:
    http://livingthetinylife.wordpress.com/2014/10/16/blush-an-award-for-me-thank-you-liebster-award/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jessi Finds Out Fibro says :

      Thank you, you just made me tear up! Twice! You’re an inspiration yourself, I understand how much effort it is to keep your illness separate from the rest of your life, how draining and embarrassing it can be, too. And it almost forces you to pretend to yourself that the things you are experiencing aren’t real or important, and that couldn’t be further from the truth! You’be been toughing it out for so long, I’m glad that the people around you can start to transition into understanding where you are coming from and what you are going through. I hope it changes your life for the better, although I know it’s not an overnight change. ❤
      You have inspired me not only to keep this up, but also to hope for the first time that I'm not alone in wanting to reclaim my self-worth, to not feel crazy or lazy for something I did not chose, and to never let people tell me what I "should" be doing with what precious little lucid time I get in a day. This is literally a battleground, with the end result being more awareness and less stigma.
      We deserve admiration, especially women like yourself who have always just put one foot in front of the other, no matter what the cost to your health! You and I have the power to be the all-important faces and voices of chronic illness that *prove* that we aren't lazy, that we drain ourselves to the bone trying to care for ourselves and those around us every day.
      We have a lot of people to prove wrong! 😉

      Like

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