Little Big Moments

It’s pretty wonderful to make it through an episode you previously didn’t know you could make it through without help. Although the crippling level of pain I have endured the past two days has been completely unbearable by my standards, I did bear it. I don’t know how, I don’t know if my grandma was watching over me, but it felt that way.

This was my gift yesterday from my garden. I’m not religious, but things like this used to happen to my grandma all the time, so if she is by my side, this is definitely her way of saying I did a good job. Thank you, Grandma B. It’s difficult to grow melons in Oregon, even with a good season like we had this year. It’s difficult for me to have a garden at all with how ill I have been, but it would be harder still to not having one, to not see the growth and surprising tenacity of my plants as they make it through another summer of spotty watering and weird Oregon weather.

Ha Ogen Melon

This is my first Ha Ogen melon of the season. It may just be the best melon I have ever eaten. Melons are tricky in Oregon, so I’m proud of myself!

This beautiful melon managed to make my day yesterday. I cut it up and saved the seeds that had not already germinated. Delicious, sweet & flavorful liquor ran all over the cutting board as soon as I opened it. It may not have reached it’s full yellow potential, but it was definitely ripe!

Little big moments, like finding a perfectly ripe melon in the middle of a rain burst, are the things that keep us going when we are in pain all the time, when we are scared, when we are uncertain about the future or about the people around us. They are the things I hope to remember about each day, instead of the searing hot pokers in my legs and low back, or the steady drilling sensation in the back of my skull. Rather than focus on today being the day I got my brain scans back, I would rather remember that my garden did well this year even though I could not tend it like I usually do. Rather than focus on my lack of ability to clean the house, I would rather remember that I did somehow manage to get the dishes done and make something approximating a homemade dinner yesterday.

There are big victories to be found while living with a chronic illness, certainly, but they do not happen every single day. These little moments of strength, however, they actually do happen daily. The catch is that they only exist in reality if we know how to see them clearly through the emotional and physical chaos of chronic conditions, and that is a journey that doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t have to notice them every day for them to strengthen your soul, even once a week saying to yourself, “I did that, and I am proud of myself,” can make a huge difference over time. Sometimes you need help, and sometimes you need to do something difficult on your own.

I am proud of myself for getting through a serious attack without the panic and the momentary loss of self that sometimes accompanies a flare up. I am proud of my boyfriend for letting me wail and cry and scream my way through the episode without getting frustrated at me. And I am proud of my garden for producing such a beautiful melon even though it has been raining all week.

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About Jessi Finds Out Fibro

Hi, and thank you for finding your way to my corner of the web! I'm on a journey to empower myself and hopefully others through shared courage and compassion. I write Finding Out Fibro, a chronic illness and chronic pain awareness blog that is not just about fibromyalgia, as well as a new project making jewelry under the Etsy name Hopeful Spoon. Please check out the shop and share if you can! Thank you for your support! My other hobbies include defeating ableism anywhere I find it, upcycling old junk into funky awesomeness, raising my voice to erase stigma against invisible illness and mental illness, baking, collecting vintage kitchen ware, sharing body-positive messages, playing around in photoshop, abstract painting (especially in neons and metallics!), advocating for those living with chronic illnesses and mental health challenges, seeking safety and upholding visibility for LGBTQIA individuals living with physical and mental disabilities, researching and testing plant-based remedies for chronic pain, and spending all my spare spoons in my veggie garden. This is my opportunity to do more than just survive with chronic illness. This is me learning how to live well, even though there is no cure for the war my body is waging on me.

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