Stream of Conscious #1: Morning Cry-Time
When holding a phone to your ear for fifteen minutes is so painful it makes you woozy, and then you have a killer sore throat by the time you’re done talking, you might have a chronic pain condition.
I just want to be productive. This body is a burden not just to the people around me, but to me as well.
I don’t know how many people in their 20’s know what it’s like to lay in bed every single morning, paralyzed by pain, unable to even roll over, and on top of that to wake up as tired as if you had not gone to bed at all. If you do know what I’m talking about, I’m very sorry it happens to you too. I cry uncontrollably for the first hour while I wait for the meds I never wanted to have to take every day to kick in. in order to make it worth my while, I try to cry about everything that needs crying about right then when I first wake up, because then I’m done, I’m done crying until tomorrow morning and it is a huge relief. As long as I cycle through all the things that I am grieving for as I lay in bed trying to make the time pass more quickly till the medicine hits my bloodstream, there will be literally no tears left for the rest of the day, at least not for myself. I can still cry when I hear a sad story about a puppy, I promise I don’t just turn my emotions off after that, although I might come across that way simply because emotions take a lot of energy that I do not have.
It’s so embarrassing to need to be reminded to put shoes on before I leave the house, or to ask my boyfriend to drive me to an appointment I never actually made, to have a horrible hot flash in the middle of a check out line, or to forget to file an appeal for disability. I had 60 days. What is my problem!? I just need so much more support and organization than I have. And I have no strength to go about finding that support.
None of this was planned, not my illnesses, not my boyfriend’ hip surgeries, or losing my future father in law. If Dave were still alive, we could make this work, but he is gone, and we are on our own trying to pick up where he left off as best as we can. We miss you, Dave. It still makes me sad that we never had a service for you. Shock hit us all pretty hard.